I can see pain

I can see peoples pain. It hurts to look at it. The other day was having a barbeque with a group of people and they were talking about schooldays and one said to everyone in general but I suspect to his father that he wouldnt dare do anything wrong because hed be beaten by his grandfather if he did. I heard that, and I am sure everyone heard that, but in typical human style is was ignored. I wanted to say, I know the pain you feel! I know what its like to be unherad and dismissed!! But i too, pretended I didnt hear it :( I see peoples pain everywhere. People crying out for peple to care but the signals going missed and the bubbles brekaing and the hurt in their eyes. I wish i couldnt see all that, because I feel it too, and carry it with me, and I cant do a thing about it.

Im so fricking hormonally on edge right now. Upset by everything and jealous about all. Its like watching a car crash. cant stop it but can see it happening in front of me. Hate PMS. Sooo tired too this month.

Ventured out with a couple of Lukes female friends yesterday. Going to the beach with 20 year olds made me very nervous, but I was relieved to find my body shaped up to it, and was comparably ok next to the 20 year olds, so wasnt too embarassed at all. In fact had quite a nice time, nice to hang out with girls again. I do find I miss Mie.

Im dreaming...

But unfortunately not of a white christmas :( PMS started yesterday boobs swollen, anxious mood, bad dreams. Stress.

Im stressed about not recieveing the rent from my apartment this month, meaning I have no money.

Im stressed about my nursing licence not yet arriving, and so my visa application will be late.

Im stressed about getting christmas presents for all these people getting them for me, and having no money to do it.

Im stressed about attending parties here but only having one suitcase of clothes and only one dress.

The biggest thing is the loss of trust I have in renting my apartment to a "friend" No contract and no reply to emails and missin rent, and its hard to do anything about it from here :(

The nightmares last night were forceful and plenty, all my fears and worries seem to attack me at this time of the month, and I cant stop it, it attacks in my fricking sleep!!

wondering if I shoul d take some extra vit b, or what I should do, it will only get worse for the next 10 days until period starts....

Thanksgiving

First of all to the Americans out there reading, happy thanksgiving.

Christmas is a weird time for me. Having no family makes it a very lonely time and being involved with anothers family accentuates that feeling, however involved they make you feel.

Thinking back to this time last year, losing a baby, christmas with christian, and how loney I felt though all of that; no christmas presents or any love or sympathy from dear christian...

I therefore give thanks for Luke, for making me feel special and loved outside of holidays. I give thanks for Marianne, who makes me feel like someone cares outside of a boy-girl relationship. I give thanks for the people around me who give me strength, especially you, my blog readers who have supported me through some of the toughest times in my life.

This year was all about finding myself, as I wrote last year. Well Im not entirely sure I have completed that task, but I have almost found a new place in the world. And thats a start.

Tie me kangaroo down sport..

Not a lot going on at the moment. My life is full of paperwork, and waiting for paperwork. Still waiting for my registration and police checks from uk to come through before visa application can be started.

So back sitting around. Thought I may put my time to good use by volunteering, either for st john ambulance (I used to be cadet when i was younger) the salvation army (wrapping christmas presents) or the red cross (visiting the elderly) Have written to all charities and soup kitchens in the area. Hate to waste my time when I could be helping others..

Things are going well with Luke. Hes a nice guy so whats not to go well really. His family are great and its nice to be involved in a family again, although I always live in fear if I enjoy it too much it will all be taken away from me..again.

Looking forward to settling down at last though...

Looking up

Period started sunday and was relatively painless and emotionless..and less exausting I think thanks to the b12!!

All the job stuff is panning out and I have a start date now, so just got to look forward to christmas and then after that look forward to starting my new job!

Then all the stuff that goes with that.. finding a house, settling down.. starting a new life....

I am thinking about Luke as a serious life partner now I may be able to stay in this country, so I had better sort myself out a bit more and try and make this one work!

Back in the land of aus

So been back a week now. Had my interview, got the job. Now have tons of paperwork and hurdles to jump to get my visa, and THEN I can start work!!

Am 3 days late with period, which happens when I travel, but its making me tired and stressed and panicky. But thanks to the vitamin B, not as panicky and tired and stressed as usual! Could it be I have found the cure..?

Panicking about my apartment in DK. I started with a very short term rent to a friend of my neighbour. One month it was supposed to be. They have now been there 3 months, and the rent is always delayed, I have no deposit from them etc .. wondering whether I should now get a contract written up.. and maybe find out how long they intend to stay, so maybe I can find another tenant after!! I did things all wrong. I should have left all this with Marianne, as I now dont trust the people running my affairs, but now I cant seem to anything about it!

Panicking about all the paperwork, police checks and x rays I have to get organised before I can start work..

Although am really looking forward to the job, its looks just what I like doing... working with 8-13 year olds and ther families with emotioal and behavioural problems. No nightshifts and no weekends woooo hooo!!

So Just need to sort out the confusing odds and ends, find somewhere to live and then start my life!!

Four seasons in one day

So parting soon for the sunnier climes of Australia. Here is my summary of NZ

• Bedlinen is called Manchester here
• The majority of kiwi "ladies" are tattoed big time
• It rains a lot
• They have a weird accent (bed is pronounced bid and big is prononces bug)
• The rural areas look very much like UK/Scotland only with a few tropical areas

So a new leaf is about to be turned and I will try and wipe all the old stuff out and start a new life in Australia.. wish me luck x

Angels great Campervan adventure

Internet is few and far between in remote areas, so writing details in word and uploading when I can..

CAMPERVAN ADVENTURE

Day One:

Picked up campervan from depot- scared shitless of driving it, but it was totally fine and easy to drive, manouvre and park, amazing. After getting lost in Auckland, after 45 minutes I finally found the motorway heading north and my journey began. Driving across harbour bridge was awesome, but hard to take in the views whilst driving also I couldn’t remember which one was the slow lane, so I kept to the middle, but people passed on both sides so it took me ages to figure out is was the slow lane was left. I drove up the coast, in the first sunny weather Id seen since being in NZ. As my phone had been stolen, Id arranged by email to meet Lara and Heather in Paihia ar their hotel around 5pm I left Auckland around 12.40pm so this gave me time to stop and meander along the roads. The roads were hilly and twisty with some awesome vistas and after 2 hours I finally stopped in Whangarei (pronounced Fangarei) This was the first place Id applied to do my course, so I took a drive around the quaint little town and drove up to the waterfalls.

At around 5 I arrived at my destination of Paihia, found the girls in their hotel (Scenic Circle- a VERY nice hotel) and we walked into the small town to grab a bite to eat. That night they let me stay on their bedroom floor (the rooms are huge) and in the morning I got to take a shower in the beautiful bathroom before heading off on my own ….


Day two:

I headed out of Paihia in the rain, to the nearby Waitangi, site of the signing of the famous treaty of Waitangi , it was 20 dollars to get into house and gardens, so I snapped a couple of photos and gave it a miss, driving past and up the same roads to a natural reserve area, where the scenes over the Bay of Islands was gorgeous. Heading back on myself I drove some long and winding roads in the rain to Kerikeri, another quaint little town, where there is a big organic gluten free shop. Needless to say I picked up some food (GF beef and garlic sausages) some soup, and at the local supermarket sme potatoes, and then headed to the tourist sites, the stone store (built in 1833 by the first missionaries working with the maori tribes) Kemp house (also missionaries) Rewas village (a replica maori village) and finally Rainbow falls. I stopped for ice to fill up my campervans icebox at a small butchers shop where the butcher was a proper butcher cutting meat on a sanded tree trunk and covered in blood! Driving further through winding lanes and down a death defying mountain trail, I finally arrived at Matauri Bay, where I entered into Matauri Bay Holiday Park paid 12 dollars, and parked my campervan on the beach overlooking the ocean, and the sun came out! Its absolutely beautiful here and great to be so close to the ocean, I can hear the waves roaring from inside my van. Theres a few people around, but not many, theres a kitchen, a laundry, showers and lots of nature. I cooked my sausages and potatoes and ate them by the side of the ocean. Then I put together the bed inside the camper (which I may just leave up now) Plugged in, set the heater up and lamp up ready for darkness and now writing this, whilst watching the ocean. Whilst I was eating one of the local maori boys came up and asked me lots of questions, I was pretty afraid, as Im in the middle of nowhere, but I was friendly and he seemed ok, but have now locked all the van doors! Its 18.30 I will do some reading and then sleep. This camping lark is easier than I thought J

Having not be able to blog awhile I have lots of thoughts building up… about me, new Zealand… The New Zealand People see very nice but dim people. Both new Zealanders and Australians call bed linen “Manchester”

Im amazed that I have ended up in a campervan touring new Zealand. Who am I?? But I am glad Im doing it, its always been on my list of things to do, I guess I am lucky to have a chance to do it!

New Zealand looks like North England, so I am not too impressed by it.. yet. Prefer Perth…

Day 3

the night went ok, a couple of noises but was cool. Woke up early, had a shower in the hot showers had brekky with an ocean view and went for a wander.. Packed up the van and headed off on teh winding scary coastal roads looking at the bays before heading off to the other side of North Island accross gravel roads heading to Dargaville... Right now am stopped briefly in a small town, and luckily picing up Wifi from somewhere!!!

Day Three Part two:

Finally got to baylys beach around 4.30pm.. found the camp park- not as nice as yesterdays and parked up and plugged in.. wifi doesn’t work, but the lady was a lot nicer than yesterday and I booked an hours horseride on the beach for tomorrow.. made my dinner and now rain coming in and bedding down for the night

day four:

RAIN RAIN RAIN! met some interesting Germans, one a young one learning english and planting kumara, and an older one who recently married after 10 years together and heavily regretting it, shes in togo hes travelling nz... weve spoken about that kind of situation before..

Drove coast road back to Auckland through forests of giant trees and amazing coastline, dropped van back and finally made it to my cheap and yet amazing hotel: formule 1.. great place!

AUCKLAND

sooo last day went really well, suddenly everyone loved me.. why does that always happen like just when you leave somewhere?? Anyway arrived in Auckland yesterday by bus to my last minute discount luxury hotel.. sky city grand, which is fabulous... had to wait a while for my room so tried the cafe opposite (which was the worst steak ive ever tasted, but they gave me a refund!) So Im sitting in this cafe in the middle of new zealand, and who is sitting next to me... 2 danish guys!!!!! WTF right next to me!!! So we cchatted in danish for a while,but FFS.. is someone trying to tell me something, really??!!Got back to hotel soaked in the bath with all their spa products,wrapped myself in bathrobe and slippers and sipped jasmine tea, watched sattelite tv.. and this morning I used the pool and sauna.. all just what I needed, plus the massive comfy bed.

However that all changed today, when I pick up my CAMPERVAN... yes Im going to be driving around the next week and sleeping wherever I choose to stop!! Im a little bit afraid as those of you that know me know Im not the worlds greatest driver in a small car... but anyway... SO Im driving up to the bay of islands later and hopefully meeting up again with lara and heather.. but they go home monday so after that Im all aloneeee in the wilderness.. how brave am I??!!

Auckland is nothing special, I have 3 more days here when I get back and Im not looking forward to it, actually its quite beyond me why anyone would choose to come to NZ... Id rather spend my time in sunny Aus!!

Under the duvet

Sucked it up and did ok today... 3 days to go.. tomorrow Im at CAMHS and giving a teaching session on adolescent suicide and self harm risk assessment.. which would be fine if i could only stop sneezing... got sent home early (yay!) for being sneezy... the colds got worse, coughig and sneezing everywhere!

Have a job interview at an adolescent unit when i get back to australia, I wonder how different that will be from UK...

thousands of more bills flooded in today, I cant pay any of them.. wonderin whether I can hide from them, perhaps under the duvet...

Shut up

This low tolereance of stress isnt really working out for me. I forgot how hard it was to get through nurse training keeping my mouth shut about bad practice and cruelty, but thats just what i have to do. Like my old tutor used to say- you cant do anything now, but when you train and manage a place like this then you can make a difference but you cant do that if you dont pass. And if you know me at all keeping my mouth shut is not something I find easy, especially where there is unfairness. Im the type of person that stands up to the bully on behalf of bullied. Standing by and watching people treated this way cuts me deep. I feel their pain, their suffering, and I dont know if I have the strength or support to deal with that right now. I have to suck up to the bullies in order to pass this placement, and it goes against all my principles but im going to have to suck it up and be pleasant... thats one think I suck at, when something is wrong I say it is.. gotta get thru this week and shut up.

B12

Mister- you are possibly right...

SO I reckon Im low on vitamin b12:

"Individuals with stomach and small intestinal disorders may be unable to absorb enough vitamin B12 from food to maintain healthy body stores. Intestinal disorders that may result in malabsorption of vitamin B12 include:Sprue, often referred to as Celiac Disease (CD), is a genetic disorder. People with CD are intolerant to a protein called gluten. In CD, gluten can trigger damage to the small intestines, where most nutrient absorption occurs. People with CD often experience nutrient malabsorption. They need to follow a gluten free diet to avoid malabsorption and other symptoms of CD. Crohn's Disease is an inflammatory bowel disease that affects the small intestines. People with Crohn's disease often experience diarrhea and nutrient malabsorption. "

Vitamin B-12 deficiency can potentially cause severe and irreversible damage, especially to the brain and nervous system. At levels only slightly lower than normal, a range of symptoms such as fatigue, depression, and poor memory may be experienced.[20] However, these symptoms by themselves are too nonspecific to diagnose deficiency of the vitamin.
Vitamin B-12 deficiency can also cause symptoms of mania and psychosis."


Symptoms of B-12 deficiency and B-12-related anemia include:
Feeling tired or weak
Pale appearance to the lining of lower eyelids
Palpitations, fast or irregular heart beat.
Faintness and breathlessness.
Hair loss
Bruising that occurs without reason
Dizziness
Long or unusually heavy menstrual periods


SO this can explain.. my mood swings..my palpitations, my bruising, dizziness, bad menstrual periods, PMDD, tiredness...!! All I need is injections, patches or nasal spray of vitamin b12.. lets see if this works... I could be a better person for this.... worrying is also a symptom..imagine me, without the mood swings, worry, PMDD and tiredness...!!!!

GOD

Im seeing signs of god in my life so either im religeous or mad or both.

The minister appeared on the ward and chatted to me.
Yesterday I walked a different route to work, and past a church... St lukes.
At work my patient of the day, talked to me about his strengths and beliefs in god.

Im being tested? tried`? Job like?

Im sick now as well, I have a chest infection again, and coughing. Can I really get thru this week coughing?

I feel the need to ask someone what should I do??? Do I need a priest? A psychic? A psychiatrist?

Why me?

My father hates me, my heart is broken, Im alone is a country that sucks working on a mental health ward where the staff are crazier than the clients. I have no one to turn to, and the one person I had i drove away. There is something wrong with me.

Why cant I have a normal life? Why is there always stress and hassle?

I need a guardian angel to scoop down pick me up and cradle me so I can cry as much as I want and still be protected.

Im cryin constantly, I am tired and stressed, I cant eat or sleep. one more day on the wards then a long weekend... which I intend to spend in bed all by myself- seeing as i know no one here and am tired as hell.

Just gotta get thru this week... and this year..

have a job interview in Aus when I get back so thats positive....

it feels like Im constantly fighting and I dont want to, I just want a peaceful life, with a dog , a man and contentness.

Im 32 and I feel so old, not sure how much longer can cope with this world.

Whenever I travel to english nations or their colonies I am always disappointed. Maybe I should return to asia- corrupt as the government are the people are solid.

Depressed

I am so depressed. being back on teh ward with crazy psych nurses upsets me, the way they treat people upsets me, not being able to get wheer I want upsets me, I am so tired and vulnerable, so i try and reach out for help..to the wrong people. And I tell the people that do care about me stuff I should probably keep to myself.

Wondering if I have a point to being on this planet... would prob try and commit suicide except i know the only psych ward in the area and its not worth the risk of surviving.

WHERE THE HELL DO I BELONG, AND WHATS WRONG WITH ME THAT MY HEART BELONGS TO A GUY WHO DOESNT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME AND NEVER WILL????!!!

Where do I belong`?

Perhaps I am destined to be a nomad- travelling the world forever. I have jobs in NZ and AU but am missing visas and lots and lots of paperwork. In Australia I will have to leave the country to apply so I will be travelling again. Should I go back to denmark? My apartment is rented out to december and then it will be empty.. my things are in storage with the completely useless moving company møblerdansk (NEVER use them) So I have with me a suitcase and a laptop- the laptop being more important... not sure I would mind too much if I mislaid my suitcase but now my laptop is my life again. So... in denmark I have Marianne, Mie..and I didnt see much of them when I was there. In Australia I have Luke and his amazing family who are so kind and wonderful to me. In Nz I have..a job offer.. In Uk I have a messed up family that I hardly speak to. SO... Australia looks like a good option... if they let me in. I dont deserve Luke. He is so wonderful to me, the perfect guy, and yet I am no good for him, older, cynical, heartbroken... what does the guy see in me??!! Do you think I will ever be able to settle down, have the child that I wanted for so long and lost, be able to enjoy my life? For the past year I have just been wanderinig around the world waiting for someone to say you belong here. But all people say is- its up to you. I am beginning to wonder if I really belong anywhere in this world, whether I deserve to be anywhere in this world.... I think Im depressed.

jeg kommer fra Danmark

Getting used to the ward, trying to fit into th eteam and doing ok at it, which is annoying I will have to leave in a week and a half. There is so much paperwork to do for Australia that I am actually considering going "home" to Denmark. I do miss Denmark a bit at the moment. I miss speaking Danish and Im in the Danish mindset with danish humour right now. But its hot it Aus right now 35 degrees today so quite lookin forward to getting back there is I can, and already having conversations about nursing jobs there (not that I want to do it...) I gave my first IM injection in 5 years today- it seemed to go ok, and thats probably the most dangerous (to the patient) part of my job.

Went out tonight with Lara and her friend heather, to a maori night- so touristy but kinda fun.

trying to figure out what it all means. Signs are bein thrown at me left right and centre: Skin cancer, Perth, Denmark.... bt what should I do??

Back on the wards in 8 hours....!

Realisation

Something is happening to me and I dont know what or why.

• I lost my phone (for a reason)
• At the cinema there were danes queing behind us- had a chat with them in danish
• I am in a cold rainy country
• all the values i thought i had, i dont.
• im not sure wheer i belong

I am so confused!!!

Sweet as

So handed in my assignment this morning but it was pretty crappy, left it at home accidently and James had to drive me back to get it! James is my new best friend and guardian angel it would seem, hes a neonatal nurse from the phillipines and we are on the same wavelength.

Went back to the wards this afternoon and took patients to the redwwod forests, so got to see the forests and get to knw patients at the same time... sweet as (as they say over here);)

I was told today that I am mow much more radiant.. I guess I change a LOT pre menstrually huh? One of my patients called me an angel today.. although she is schizophrenic and slightly deluded... but I reckon theyd say that if they met Jesus today huh?

Its Laras birthday tomorrow. I met Lara on the first day here, shes a 39 year old medical student and also on my wavelength so weve been doing touristy thins together. I thought she was crazy at first but shes actually very nice... her choice of a night out is the live music at the irish bar... so that should be interesting!

My phone is gone forever, which is very annoying but perhaps meant to be...

Men har emailed lidt med exen og har været meget ærligt med ham, hvilken var godt for mig og man kan ik gør med smser. Han siger han nu har en ny kæreste, og ja det gik en smul ondt men jeg var bare glad for han var glad. Jeg skal bare kom videre og prøve og giv mit hjerte til en hvem tjener det... Luke.

Having huge problems with bills and handling my apartment in DK but thankfully Marianne has come to the rescue again! One day I will pay my Danish family back! Marianne is the best, she has really supported me and been there for me, and I love her to bits.

Its been good to be independant again, I feel stronger and happier now and getting a career back that I am good act has given me more confidence too. Maybe I will survive after all... :)

On the Wards!

My period started this morning! My whole affect changed overnight, actually it changed yesterday mis lecture.... weird. I was crying all morning and in the afternoon I felt like I was doped up..no concentration almost sleeping and then in the afteroon happy and skippy... hormones! I couldnt hide it at all..people kept asking if I was ok..and I wasnt!

Just in time though because I had to go on the wards this afternoon! After the big scary build up by the stupid misinformed tutor I had a great afternoon singing and dancing with patients... ahhh I miss mental health :) I learned a lot from them already, and looking forward to going back tomorrow! 2.5 weeks to go! I just finished my assignment so if the stupid tutor can read it then sould be reasonably ok...

The wards here are very different to back home(UK) though... actually its NICER!

Mourning the loss of my phone, but have decided its a good thing!

Also have my apartment rented out for a month next month so that shouls help with finances for a bit longer...

Mit hjerte banker stadig..

English coming up in a bit...

I dag skriver jeg lidt på dansk. Første jeg ville ikke glemmer mit dansk og for de anden, jeg ved Luke en gang i mellem læser her, og selvom han ved hvordån jeg har det med min ex kæreste, jeg ville ikke har at det gør øndt for ham.

Mit hjerte banker stadig for ham. Det gør det bare. Jeg elsker ham stadig og jeg ved det lyder sindsyg, og jeg prøver at glemmer ham, det kan jeg ikke. Jeg så en serier at hedder "Hus" og det minder mig helt om ham, og jeg savnede ham!

Jeg savne Luke men ikke så meget. Er jeg dårlig? Luke elsker mig rigtigt høj og jeg elsker ham, men tror ik jeg er forelsket i ham...

Anyway.. its rained the whole week and been so cold, I do NOT like new zealand at all. I want to get back to australia (home?) as quick as possible. I find myself missing Denmark a lot too, but the cold I do not miss.

Im so stressed out trying to pass these exams, and although my dad offered to help pay my course - he gave them the wrong credit card number (on purpose?) so thats been stressfull too! So I havent managed to enrol properly yet and so dont have an ID card and therefore cannot use the library/internet AND my computer broke down so this week has been a big stress.

But Luke as usual has been them supporting me, and without him I would have nothing.

I also lost my mobile phone today.. måske det er et tegn at jeg skal hold op med a sms exen.. nu har j ikke hans nummer....

To recap

• exams on subects I have only just learned: cathetherisation, IV, injections etc


• lost phone


• laptop broke (now fixed)


• non payment of fees so ...


• no use of library etc


• PMS


• bills still coming from apartment in DK- cant pay them


• asssignment due on wednesday


• stress

New Zealand

Well... what can I say. Warned by the taxi driver from the airport, I wanst expecting anything pretty but it is pretty.. dire. The room is full of dead things, and the pillows are in a disgusting condition, nothing is clean.. but lets hope its because its the weekend... The Filipina house mother..Nancy seems very friendly, but so did the back stabbing filipinas I met in the phillipines... Anyway I suppose I cant complain at 150 NZD a week and Im only here four weeks so will grin and bear it. It is noisy here though, and the other students seem a very strange bunch... on another plus, I have an internet connection in my room and as they are not full (wonder why) I have a shared room to myself- thank god for that!

So far New Zealand is cold and wet, and by the weather forcast it looks to stay that way. Just gotta get through these 4 weeks....!

All the shops are closed so not sure where I will get food from today. Arrived at 11am New Zealand time after travelling from 5pm Australian time, so missed a nights sleep. But slept form about 2.6 and then 7 to about 10am! Trying to pluck up the courage to walk through the corridors to the communal (and very dirty) showers.

Will go and explore in the rain today. I have a very sore eye this morning- looks like I have an infection- no doubt from the pillow...

Will plan some site seeing for next weekend I think, although this weather makes you want to stay in your bedroom (however freezing cold and manky it is!)

Mike

Its so weird that the people you meet seem to be sent as signs.. on the aeroplane I met Mike. Mike is a gentleman in his late 60s who moved to Perth 40 years ago from London and hasnt regretted it since. He is also a vegatarian and almost vegan and feels healthier for it. And Mike had a melanoma, which underlines the importance of checking those moles.

My first impression of new zealand is that its quiet. People speak like the aussies only with pinched vowels, they are friendly and seem effecient.They also seem to be so unfashionable that its all back in fashion again.. but the aussies were like that too. Thats all Ive got...Im am currently sitting at Auckland Airport Domestic terminal waiting for my flight to Rotorua, where Mike and his golfing buddy are also heading (They offered me a rid ebut my luggage is all checked in :() So I possibly may meet up with the old gents again sometime.I have had no sleep and am trying to stay awake so I dont miss my flight.

Off to new Zealand

So tomorrow I leave for NZ. Im so terrified. Uprooting again, but Im desperate to find work again and pay all the bills that seem to now be flooding in and this seems the only way I can do it.

I dont like the person I am now at all. I want to find that confident relaxed person I became when I was travelling round the world last year. I hope I find her. No one can live with this one- not even me...

PMSing again on top of all the upheaval. Just gotta get thru this (I keep saying that dont I!?)

2nd class citizen

Im feeling so bad about this one Im laying awake thinking about it, so thought I had better blog it..

Dan. The guy who out of the goodness of his heart lets me stay in his spare room until I can get myself sorted, who I owe a lot too and he owes me nothing.

Why then do I feel so hurt?

Like today for instance, his friend comes over. I have spent the day cleaning the house and ironing his shirts, doing what I can to try and repay the fact that I am staying in his home. I mean I do offer money for bills and stuff but he doesnt accept it. I dont get thanked but then I dont expect it; its the least I can do.

I am very confused as to our realtionship as I thought we were friends, but he doesnt seem to want to hang out with me or anything.

Anyway today he had his friend around, and we are all sitting on the sofa, and he offers to make his friend dinner. Not that I would have accepted but I was ignored. I made a bowl of soup. So they are sitting around eating their dinner, and offer the dog a chip but not me!! That makes me feel crap.

Im not even offered a cup of tea ( not that I would accept)

I feel liek a second class citizen. I mean I am not a sponger by any means, I buy all my own stuff.. Dan said he wanted cheesecake so when we popped to the shops later I bought one, but didnt even get a thank you.

I feel like I am doing my best but I cant make Dan happy. He always comes home upset about something but nothing I do or say makes him feel better.

I think maybe he doesnt want me around, so I ask him, maybe I should move out when Im back from NZ, but he says no.

I even wrote him an email trying to expain how I felt, but he ignored it.

I hate being places I am not wanted, it gets me down.

So my back still hurts.. went to chiropractor and the picture on the left is the results. Damn back is costing more money I havent got! Thank god for creditcards! Had lots of blood tests and vaccinations for nursing, so almost ready to go to NZ.. Have found a gluten free bakery in rotorua so should be all set!

spring has sprung here at 24 C today but it strangeley feels cold! I am finding it so strange to say its spring when it should be autumn, and summer when it should be winter.. very strange indeed!

But the trees are bearing blossoms and all the usual spring things are happening now...

Time Flies

Its very strange to think that this time last year I was settled; job flat cats and no thoughts of travelling. If you had told me then I would have been in AUstralia in a year I would have laughed at you!

But here I am, licking wounds and trying to build a new life. But time is still flying-the other day I was working on a newsletter for Dans football team and suddenly it went from being 10am to 5pm!! I missed breakfast AND lunch. Think Im a bit manic at the moment, but I like it- nat least I get stuff done!

So off to the chiropractor today, and hopefully he can sort my bad neck and back out..

Also have to go and having all the nursing vaccinations; hep a,b,c chickenpox, tb, MMR... etc etc think i may have a sore arm after that!

Had the worst migraine yesterday -it took 2g paracetomal to get rid of too! Lucky it did as it was dinner with Lukes folks, as it was his lovely step dads birthday, and Lukes house is full of yelling, barking and mayhem :) I like Lukes stepdad, hes such a lovely, helpful, jolly guy. If I could choose a dad, I think I would choose one like that...

New Zealand Excitement

Ok so its official, my flights are booked. I leave Australia on October 2nd and arrive the next day in Auckland, where I take another flight to Rotorua. Its going to be hard work and quite a gruelling 4 weeks I think but I have made sure I have 4 days at the end to travel and see a bit of New Zealand.

I do like travelling, and I am very excited about seeing a new country and exploring the culture, and maybe getting some exercise, kayaking and horseriding (if finances can stretch that far!)

So I am staying in the student accomodation, and its by an old volcanic lake with lots of volcanic pools and things around- its supposed to be quite beautiful.

So yes the fear is here but so is the excitement so Im planning the travelling bit to help calm me down.

Feeling really strange right now, head is all over the place. Wonder if its the full moon (Im very sensitive to ionic changes and the like) as everyone around me seems to be feeling rough too, or whether its the stress bringing on the old bipolar.

My neck is hurting A LOT so it may be the stress... cant sleep properly either.. arrghh.

Needing some positivity here as drowning in the negativity!!

Pic is from the under water observatory last weekend

Where Angels fear tread..

Went down south last weekend, got over the cold and the pms and had a great weekend at wineries and choccy factories :)

Two weeks until I go to New Zealand- got a place on the nursing update course so in 4 weeks will have a current practice cert and can work as a nurse!! Im getting desperate for money now, apartment still not selling so really need to find a job asap. Only thing is the course and flights cost $$$$ so out come the credit cards...dangerous ground.

Everytime I speak to Christian I feel crap, all he seems to miss is the sex, not me. Why am I so drawn to him?? Damn my heart.

Luke is so much more, and yet however much he loves me isnt enough. I am a broken person.

I cant wait to be settled and feel whole and human again, I feel so much in limbo its making me wobbly and nervous.

Last week I spent a couple of days at Lukes parents home, his family are so lovely and kind to me it makes me feel lonely not to have a family. I know it doesnt make sense but Id rather not spend time with them then bring out feelings like that.

Maybe when Im less in limbo I can deal with my feelings better.

So nz..Im sharing a dorm which will be weird, I have two weeks theory and two weeks practice... I hope I can pass the exams and start to find a life for myself again!!

AItchooo

I have a cold. Not only that the housing market in denmark has completely crashed. I have no money, no job and Im sick. Can it get worse? If only I had sold when I wanted.. I knew in my gut it was the right thing to do but listened to christian instead. Argh.

Actually it can get worse.. now the tax man is banging at my door demanding huge amounts of money. How the hell did I get into this mess.. I was doing alright.. until I met HIM.

Yeah I know I cant blame it all on him but I wasted so much time and money on him and got nothing back. I suppose thats "love" for you.

Whos there for me now Im in this mess? Who???

Bad Dreams

The nightmares are back. Woke up screaming this morning. All I remember was there was a huge party,, and a big house where I had bedroom, and two girls asked to see m room and then wouldnt leave. When they did leave they tried to break the door down from the outside after I slid the lock accross, onlly stopping when I yelled they would have to pa for any damage. When theyd gone I discovered the door didnt shut properly anymore. Also Christian was downstairs in an office but wasnt a central character, he was just there.

I remember from my Jungian/Freudian dream analysis training that rooms and houses are yourself. I woke up sceaming with my heart beating. And why was christian in the background??

I mean obviously I miss him but I would have hoped I would be over him by now.

And who were the girls?? Other parts of my inner psyche`?


Also the PMS started again yesterday... eating huge quantaties of food, sore breasts.. crying :(

I went to Lukes house for dinner with his family and it overwhelmed and upset me. I feel like I dont fit in anywhere, I dont know the rules for australia yet, I dont know what to say or what jokes to make. ARGH I hate this part of being in a foreign country. It took me long enough to learn the rules in denmark.

This is where I feel autistic and helpless. Im not naturally comfortable with people... having been locked in a bedroom during the years I was supposed to learn how to socialise. So I learn what to say what people laugh at, but Im still stuck on danish social rules and they dont apply here.

I feel like such a fuck up.

Dreams and schemes...and ferris wheels

Ok so I have a plan of action!

1. Job agency looking for jobs for me

2. If no jobs by oct 25 then to singapore visa run

3. Back and travel aus, christmas and ny here

4. Place on nursing competency course in jan (4 weeks)

5. world my oyster! Travel NZ and then back to aus to settle :)

Hey Jealousy

Ok so we know that Im ..slightly dysfunctional... but one of my major hurdles is jealousy and well trust. When I get jealous flames rise up inside me and I become irrational. The crazy thing is my jealous intuition is normally right... Christian fucking Mia, My ex husband running off with someone from work etc etc.. all correctly forseen by me. Is that a self fulfilling prophecy, do I try to hard to stop it happening that the very thing I fear happens because of me?

When I feel rejected an enormous anger rides out at me, self hatred, self loathin comes slithering on out, that I fear even to begin a relationship for fear of rejection and all these powerful overwhelming and uncontrollable feelings. Especially when I am insecure anyway.

How can you ever have a relationship without this trust and faith in people, that I so severely lack? I so want people to be and do the right thing but they always let me down, always.

Dreams and schemes

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing and how. I wonder how to survive and where. I worry about the future as well as fantasising it will all be ok.

I am lucky that at least one person loves and cares for me. Blessing counted.

Just sometimes wish I had a normal 9-5 non stressfull life like everyone else.

Just need one thing to happen for my dream to come true...

Australia

I am not sure how I am doing. Things have suddenly gotten on top of me and I find I am somewhat overwhelmed. Dan got back on Thursday, and hes been great about me staying here, and giving me advice and stuff but I just dont know what to do or how to act, I want to be helpful but I dont want to get in his way, and I certainly dont want to outstay my welcome. Its been a while since I lived with someone else, but Dan seems pretty easy to live with, for a boy :) I do feel immense guilt that I cant pay him for staying but I am trying to make myself useful where I can instead.

Couple of job leads, nothing definite and that leaves me up in the air a bit- have to leave the country by October and re enter.,,this makes me feel nervous and unsettled.

Luke has been very sweet and kind but there is also a sense of pressure from him. I cant even think about relationships of any kind at the moment until I have sorted my life out and can settle down. I dream though, about the day I can have my own place again and a car and a dog..

Another disappointment- trying to learn to drive again. The cars are so big here, and the steering wheel is on the otherside of the car and they drive on the other side of the road. Also the roads seem so dark as there isnt much lighting at night. So it would seem I am so far unsafe to drive. I am looking into driving lessons, the public transport is ok but not great,,,

Australians are sweet, old fashioned people. I like it, and miss the hardness of the danes at the same time. The other day I was sitting on a wall waiting for my ride and a guy walked past me, stopped, walked back and said "excuse me, I dont suppose youd like to go for a coffee with me would you?" I declined but had I been in the mood he would have gotten extra brownie points for effort, especially as he turned back and went the way hed come and then turned around again and said " so...defiinately no then...?" :)

Im having an ugly week this week, cant stand the way I look, or feel Im decrepit. Think Im just feeling run down.. gotta get back up there and ride the horse again. It has now been 6 months since i worked, and Im almost out of money, especially as I got another 4000kr electricty bill!! They think its from when my tenant was there...grrrr. I want to use my brain again and feel useful. Its also a year tomorrow that Christians mum died. I think more about his dad though, its so hard losing someone, but to death....that hurts more than the harshest of physical pains.

I gotta stop regretting my decisions and try and get m life back on track again... no more dating bosses or letting men rule and ruin my life. I really need to settle down soon.

And if any of you readers who dont know me, accidentally find me in real life, please dont be upset if I dont reveal my whole self to you. My blog is very open, and whilst I like to hear how you enjoy reading it and appreciate your following and your support, I am still quite a private person-in my real life. You know who you are, write here though and I will of course reply everytime ;)

The phoenix has landed

Sorry, yes I got to Australia last friday, and have been running around like a maniac and sleeping A LOT ever since. PMDD and jet lag... not good!

Australia, is a lovely place. Have found a gluten free bakery (take note Brent :)) that not only sells all different kinds of gluten free bread, but also fresh cakes, pies, and all sorts of other goodies... slowly getting fat on gf chocolate eclairs, meat pies and pizzas!

Its a bit cold here right now.. 20 degrees but its been sunny. I have had trouble turning my days around, but on the whole loving it.

Been staying at Dans house, although Dans been in UK- we met in Malaysia briefly haha - so have been trying to be a house and home angel and cleaning and making his home nice and doing things he wouldnt expect in return for the stay :)

Feeling a bit sick at the moment, but prob just jet lag and pmdd, if it stay may go see a doc.

Had a job interview on monday and that went well, but not sure its going to work out as they havent sponsored before, so still looking and looking into visas.

So.. just to say I am still alive, and in Australia :D

Beaten

Nothing was achieved here. They were nice as long as they could be (about a day) and then all the snide comments.. you look like crap.. you never made anything of yourself... you have nothing to show for your life.. youre not the marrying type are you...look how clever your sister is and how many kids shes got...

Me? I feel beaten down mentally, and close to tears. I am tired, stressed and feel... worthless.

But in the background Luke and MArianne have been keeping me strong, making me realise that somewhere someone things something of me, thinks I am a good person, and worth something.

I just need to get away from here and on with my real life.

Im done with being told Im not good enough... for WHAT??! They are like vampires sucking all the life out of me.. hopefully australia can help put some of that life back.. I hope so...

Now Im empty and tired and wondering if I am doing the right thing...

Users, Losers and goodbyes

Martin: User and loser. Never came by- chose to play golf..again.

So Apartment is clean, and empty, cases packed, Helle comes to take the cats tomrrow, and I fly at ridiculous O clock away from Denmark.

Goodbye Denmark, I will miss you, especially in the summertime when the sun is out and people are happy. I wont miss the people, although some rare people I have met have showed me kindness.

Goodbye Christian, I loved you with all my heart, but I couldnt be what you needed me to be.

Goodbye baby cats, I looked after you as much as I could, I hope you find a new home with people who love you as much as I did.

Goodbye friends, who made my life in Denmark that little bit easier; little brother Piet, Mie with her lovely cakes and my Danish mother Marianne. Marianne you will always be my mother in Denmark, and I hope you and the family will stay in touch and come visit. I have really appreciated the support you gave me when no one else was there, I will miss you. Friends like Doc, who supported me from afar and was nerdy when I needed him to be. Tim, a new friend who I will still miss, and hope to see him again one day.

Goodbye apartment, you sheltered me and kept me safe when I was broken and wounded from my divorce, you have always been light and bright and I enjoyed my time in you.

So now its time to move on, and find out where my new life should start. The last time I started my life over again I built up a nest and hoped to share it with someone special. I made mistakes and lost my security and myself. This time I will find a job and hold onto it, I will definitely not date anyone I work with as I need a job to hold onto. I will have more fun outside rather than bury myself in my nest, and I will do all those things I have been saving to do with someone special, because someone special may not exist and thats a life wasted. Most of all I will not rely on a man to make decisions or take his opinion as truth, because no one knows the truth better than me and I just need to develop the confidence to believe that.

Now to face my achilles heel; the parents......

Picture is me in the park on friday

Falling into place

Not sleeping very well and have the MOST horrendous headache today.

yetserday I said goodbye to my friends Mie and Tim which was a bit sad.

Also Helle called me about the cats and she will pick them up on sunday, look after them for a week and then take them to a good cat home for me when the place is available.

My neighbours are looking after my apartment and looks like they have someone to rent it through august at least if it doesnt sell.

Martin has been flirting and I am almost tempted as I really need to have some fun and let some stress go at the moment! I feel like a can of cola thats been shaken up and I need to release some stress before I go into another stressful situation with my parents, and moving to a new country...!

So just some cleaning and throwing away to do and then all set to leave sunday morning 4am!!

Picture is me on the beach near my apartment with Mie yesterday

Players getting played

So that Christian K guy that I thought was another player, was actually an ok guy..he started seeing a girl a month ago, and just found out she was with other men behind his back. Hes devastated. So women do it too. Why do people treat people like that? Is it because of disturbed upbringings, or fear, or power? Its like you give everything to someone one, and they just kick you in the face. i know how the poor guy feels, god knows Ive been there often enough. Its one of the negative sides to being a nice person, you attract scum. Still at least I could spend some time comforting him, not all women are like that, I guess in the same way all men are not like that. But its hard to trust until you can be sure...

Stressed

So the moving company Møbel transport Danmark , fucked up my removal. Today they fucked up even more and sent some weirdo around. Total incompetence. They guy on the phone seems normal but they guys they send round just scare me. I wouldnt recommend them to my worst enemy. I should have used Holger Dansk- they were nice and efficient and probably a damn site cheaper than these imcompetant fools.

So signed paperwork at estate agent today, went to kommune (who werent very helpful) and ran around like a maniac really. Exhausted.

Tomorrow Mie comes over and I have to go tó the police station. cant remember what else there is to do apart from clean and pack.

Soon be out of this craziness.. straight into more craziness.. and then to the sanity of Perth... woo hoooo

sunday mourning

Booked my flights today. I fly out of Dk on sunday, and out of London on thursday so will be in aus next fridaaay!!

Still got a lot to sort out though

• kommune
• estate agent
• bank
• library
• policestation
• cats

Busy week. So stressed, but my friend Marianne has really been there for me. SHe helped me find a cat home to take my cats (costs 1900!!!) And Shes giving m a ride to the airport even though its 4am!! My parents wouldnt even pick me up, and yet someone not related to me is willing to be sooo kind. I will miss her and her family a lot.

Thinking of having one last drunken cph night with raz on friday... will need a drink after I take my cats to the cat home and before I face my parents.

Had someone call about apartment too so cross fingers for that one!!!

country roads...

Small things keep going wrong. The moving service wasnt good despite the amount of money I paid for it. They kept being moody and saying they hated their job, they rushed the job, threw my possessions into boxes and left stuff behind. They didnt take detailed account of the contents as you have to do for customs, so I ended up doing the job they were paid to do. It really stressed me out.

Pic is me on Friday stressed from the move

SO have to sort out the stuff they left behind, and find a home for the cats and then I can go find a job in a place i hope I belong.

Luke is an amazing guy. He calls me every day to check Im ok, hes interested in what I have to say, he tries to help me as much as possible and hes not scared by me. He even thinks Im beautiful inside and out. I miss him. He always says and does the right things without any coaxing.

Dans great too, hes letting me stay with him in Perth until I get my shit together, which is great as until I sell the flat am living on credit cards.

I feel really blessed to have such good friends, I wish Id had them here, but its worth it to go to Pert when the weather, the people and the place is amazing.

My mother is ill, she does this after we have conversations that upset her. She does it to make me feel guilty or sorry for her. Maybe she doesnt want me to visit.

I just cant wait to get to sunny Perth now.

So stressed

Yesterday my friend Marianne helped me take the cats to a cat home, but not only was it strange and tiny and the people weird but they didnt mention on the phone they charge 1000 kr.

So we brought them home again.

Im really fucked for money right now. The move cost over 30000kr - and they wouldnt take a credit card so I had to give them the last of my savings. I am literally living on credit right now. I have a small amount of cash from the furniture, but just enough to buy food, and pay my bills.

Found another place for the cats, but this one costs 1800 kr... eek !

Been giving all my stuff away, but discovered today a bowl I got as a wedding present was worth a lot- luckily the person I gave it to is giving it back to for me to sell! I hate asking for things back its awful, but I didnt realise its worth aand I am so desperate for money right now, considering all sorts of things to make some!

Have applied for more credit cards to live on and get me out to aus, and really hoping to sell the apartent quick, may even put another estate agent on it too!

Got to get to Aus and get a job soon. I really hope something good happens soon!!

My teddy bear bought me dinner

Well my moods a lot better today, I feel like skipping and singing and smiling.. well not quite, but you know what I mean.. yes! Its that time of the month again. Wish every day could feel like this. Hate hormones.

So Ive been selling everything on qxl...today I sold a teddy bear, the old lady came to collect it and was very happy.. shes going to send me photos of the rest of her teddy bear collection..... So I used the money to order in with as I have no food left! Yay for teddy!

I seem to be going backwards instead of forwards, but most things sold or packed and have been ruthless in throwing stuff out... feels good in a way though. I threw out 5 years worth of reciepts--bit sad really seeing your life in reciepts.. furniture, flights, restaurants, stll, its all done now.

I gotta get a move on though, Im running out of time and still have lots to doooo!!!! ARGH!

Craziest week ever

This week:

Mon: people collecting furniture, organise my stuff for packing
Tue: organise stuff for packing, pack suitcases dont forget anything I need, documents etc
Wed:Last day with my cats, ttx coming over with pib with stuff she borrowed
Thurs:cats go to cats home
Fri:Movers come
Sat:thomas to help me take rest of stuff to charity
Sun:People come collect my garden furniture

Still to do:

• See kommune
• See police
• See Drs for Vaccinations
• Sell rest of furniture
• Organise flights
• Organise placement in NZ or if not possible Perth
• Find a way to get to airport with 3 suitcases
• Organise credit cards/bankloans
• leave forwarding address with postdanmark
• DONT PANIC

Mental Parentals

Still PMSing, spoke to my mum on the phone today, a very rare occurance. I bit the bullet and said the things that havent been said for years. She actually heard what I said without putting the phone down. She finally seemed to accept all the beatings and torture was wrong, and she even seemed to remember the incidences I did. This was a relief because no one has ever admitted it happened and sometimes you get to thinking well maybe its all in my head.

She said my father was sorry and that I should go visit them before I go to oz and talk about it. I told her how much that scared me because of my dads violence and she told me that he is now a little old man with grey hair and he couldnt hurt me. But Its still there you know... physically mentally and emotionally. I told her whatever I did I didnt deserve that as a child and I still have to carry it around with me. I told her about my suicide attempt at 14 (they never knew, I went to hospital had stitches wore long sleeves in summer but they didnt notice it at all) and how bad I felt and still feel about their words.I always wanted them to love me, but I was never good enough as I wasnt a boy. I told her it wasnt my fault I couldnt help my gender or any of it.

I think she realises they were wrong...this is a first. But they may not see it like that next time I talk with them... Im sure it will end up being all my fault again. I will go and see them, but I am not looking foward to it. Maybe this will help with some closure for me... lets hope I survive!

Breast Friends

So as most of you know I want breasts. I was reading the other day about a website where guys donate money to girls so they can afford implants. I wondered if I should do this, and et the breasts of my dreams? I wondered if any one would donate to it or would they go for the blondes...?

Hmm guess Im just trying to take my mind off the stress, but its a fun idea :)

Where am I?

Im sooo tired but its soon that time again. Not as bad as last month though but then I havent been ingesting poison...

So where am I? Still in Denmark. Furniture nearly all sold, Waiting for comeback from The NZ uni, and then its all go... even had a viewer to my flat today.... ooh!

So movers coming on the 18th and by then I should have booked my flights and know when Im heading to NZ.

Its sad and yet its exciting at the same time, Really hope to sell my flat cos Im broke and kind of in the shit.

But I feel a bit supported now anyway, My friend Marianne has been amazing in helping me, she really gives me renewed faith in people, not to mention stranger Thomas (theh one that picked e up from the airport) And Have made some new friends too who are pretty cool to hang around and who I will actually miss!

Have found a place in a cats home for my babies, but still looking in to taking them if its not too expensive, and they can make it. If only I can sell then that would make things a lot easier..!

Picture is me looking tired today.

Where Im at!

Thanks for support! It feels very strange tearing down the home I built up after my divorce. But Ive nearly done it.

SO movers confirmed for 18th July
Waiting for course confirmation from NZ
all furniture nearly sold, that remaining to red cross on 19th
Phone and internet and DR cancelled

Still have a bit more to do but its all working out gradually.

I am sitting in an empty flat on the floor though :)

Right then

Thanks for all the support, really means a lot!

Just waiting for confirmation from New Zealand about course but....

*Estate Agents signed up.

*Some Furniture being collected by buyers on sunday.

*Friend helping me clear my stuff to red cross July 19th (hopefully)

*Moving crew ready to move me July 22nd

SO almost ready to book flights for 23 July!

So just have to cancel all bills and stuff soon... and close down bank account

its nearly time to go....

The maddening crowd

I have been so suicidally down but I am fighting back. Firstly to christian who finds it funny to read my blog and laugh at my pain FUCK YOU. I made the mistake of asking him for help, as if that man would care about anyone but himself!

So through the warmth of some genuine people I have picked myself up again, Marianne brought me some food over, which made me feel better not just that someone cares about me, but eating it helped my mood come back up. She also showed me how to put my stuff on QXL so have sold a lot more stuff. Her kindness really helped me realise there is some good in people out there.

Things are in swing, Andreas talked me into getting a loan from the bank and this has also helped tide me over.

So Im almost ready. Looking at moving the end of july and leaving the flat for sale with the estate agents.

I will probably fly to new zealand, to do my course and then on to aus.

I have a friend to come and help me take whats not sold to the red cross, so at least all my stuff will do some good for someone somewhere, I am also volunteering for the danish redcross whilst I have no job, so it keeps me busy and they get some help. Makes me feel not so useless too.


Soon will be on the otherside of the world, far away from the cruelness of some people here.

Things are moving as they should be.

Death and taxes

The only things you can be sure about is death and taxes.

Whats the worse thing that can happen when you run out of money, cant get a job and live on rice?

a 40000 tax bill thats what.

I woke up to an email from SKAT and tried to navigate myself around the tastselv online skat thing but its useless, none of it makes any sense to me. I have no idea what to do who to talk to what to say... hoping the ground swallow me up soon.

I cant cope with this at all now.

More depressed than ever.

Waiting for Godot

Time comes and time goes... the space in between the darkness I just try and get through by watching the television and living through the characters, until I can sleep again and dream.

One day is much like the next, waking up, checking email, feeding cats and then laying on my bed staring at the televison with he internet at my side.

I hate people even more today. I am trying to sell all my furniture so I can make my rent payments and yet on my thread on facebook this guy mark buts in and starts trying to sell his stuff to my mates! How disrespectful and rude is that!?

I winder if I ever will have a life again, very depressed and fighting off suicidal thoughts. I am stronger than all this... just waiting for doors to start opening...

Closing doors

when one door shuts another opens right? No, doors are slamming in my face all over and nothing is opening. I know I have to keep patient, but its so frustrating. Needless to say didnt get the job, which makes me feel like the path to perth is the way to go...just need to wait and keep hope up. something will have to happen soon.....right?

Losers

Well I have just found out what a loser Thomas is. After all that stress I went through not wanting to hurt him, he sets me up to call him, and puts his jealous gf on. The guy is weak and wants attention, fair enough when youre bald, ugly and boring I suppose. And to think I really cared about him. Not anymore. Best rid of that one. I truly see now the people in my life that mean something and the ones who only wanted to use me. Things are becoming much much clearer. At the moment there is only one person I trust in my life. Get me out of denmark.

Better life

Well.... spoke to estate agent and he seemed very positive..but will wait a week and see what happens on internet. Have a job interview on monday, thanks to Andreas, nothing permanent but will help pay the bills awhile so maybe I can eat more than rice! Also will keep me from boredom and help me leave the house: last left the flat 14 days ago... sold a few of my things so flat looking a bit empty which makes me feel a bit scared and sad, but I have to do this, I have to do this to be happy. Trying to see the better life that will come, although its hard right now. Im a bit worried that I will makes friends and grow roots, and then end up not going...

Emotionally deceased

So I was doing ok.. I get someone call about the apartment, get myself excited and then they call back and cancel... disappointment. Im under a lot of stress trying to sell all my stuff and get out of here.

Selling all my furniture now so I send a mail out to all my friends. Get a reply from christian that he wants to buy my duvet (even though its not on the list) So I think yeah let him have it he enjoyed it and my english pillows and I need to lessen the load so i say he can have it with all the bedlinen and pillows for 500dk. Then he keeps firing questions at me.. how much bedlinen with it, is it washable etc etc And then Im taken back to when we shared that duvet together... When he smsed me in Vietnam, told me hed bought a bed for us, and said maybe thats where wed make out first baby together.

It seems however much I push it back Im still not over losing that baby. Its just all come back, being in vietnam, bleeding, being at the doctors, all the tests and scans and the IV antibiotics. And it hurts. More than anything. Its like being shot with a gun through the chest. But I am alone with all this pain and guilt, as usual. Still I suppose its better than being alone with a child. But what if I never have another chance?

I should probably see someone about it, and I will as soon as I get to Australia, theres no one in Denmark I can talk to. Least of all christian. I do need to sort it all out in my head and heart though.

The selfish git just wants to be comfortable. He didnt even mean it to annoy me, he is just selfish and arrogant and emotionally deceased.

The guy is for some reason afraid of intimacy with a woman, and in a way I feel sorry for him, something must have happened to make him this way, or maybe he is just a psychopath.

Anyway trying to lock all the emotions down again. Id rather take the damn duvet then have to see him again anyway. Just dont need that kind of hassle.

Note to self

You gotta accent-thu-ate the positive,
E-lim-inate the negative,
And latch onTo the affirmative
Dont mess with mister in-between!

You gotta spread joy up to the maximum,
Bring gloom down to the minimum,
And have faith ( amen! )
Or pandemoniums
Liable to walk upon the scene!

(Johnny Mercer / Harold Arlen)

Got to keep going...

So the moving guy came today, also said it will take ages to sell. The thing that pisses me off is Christian. He stopped me from selling 6 months back, hes the reason I have no job, I spent tonnes of money on him and his family, and yet he just walks away and takes his family with him. Not even offers any help, guidance, support or friendship. Just leaves me in the shit. What a shitty guy. I guess its my fault for trusting him, for buying christmas and birthday gifts for his family (which by the way he took credit for and I got no thanks for at all). Anyway trying to move on and let go of anger. I will just have to leave it for sale and hope it goes soon. But it amazes me how people can ruin your life and then just walk away like that.


Low today, finding it hard to leave house, so much to do and think about and I dont feel well at all. Got to keep going , got to keep going....

Anyway

Anyway, securing a place in a NZ Uni for a 6 week course, and after that it shouldnt be too hard to find a sponsorship job and therefore a work visa for Aus... they reckon after I apply it will take about 3 months.

So just need to sell the flat. Valuer coming today and meeting estate agent later in the week so getting on with that one too. Will also put it up properly on websites here as well.

Getting a moving company over to give me an estimate on removals to Aus this week, and in the mean time trying to sell most of my furniture.

So will probably clear the flat out, leave it for sale and head off to NZ asap.

Things are getting clearer.

Also got an apology from Martin, bit little bit late. Still it all makes me glad to leave and pushes me to do so asap.

Danish Men

Firstly apologies if youre a Danish guy and not like this, I am well known for my brash generalisations. When I was abroad I missed Danish guys; their little boy cheekiness, their confidence, their humour, but now I realise they are all a lot alike; selfish, arrogant and childish.

Take this guy Martin I was supposed to go out with on sunday, no apologies just a lame excuse:

"Jeg var ude fredag med firmaet til kl. meget sent.. Ude at spille golf i 6 timer lørdag, og i byen igen til kl. 0730 søndag morgen... Stod først op igår kl 1900.. Var ude og spise Burger med en Kammerat og tog hjem til mig og så fodbold.. Gik i seng igen ved en 2230 tiden.. Så sov Sgu hele dagen væk..!! "

For those of you non danes translates as "

I was out Friday with work until very late..Out and played golf for 6 hours on saturday, and went out on the town until 7.30am sunday morning...First got up yesterday 7pm..Went out and ate burger with a mate and went home, watched football..Went to bed around 10.30pm..So slept the whole frickin day away!!"

Oh well thats ok then..as long as you were drunk our plans dont matter and you have no reason to sms me and apologise or let me know whats going on!?

Im not that upset, I mean I hardly know the bloke but it is exactly what Christian did on our first date, and seems like standard behaviour out here, and even more worrying its seems acceptable.

Now I dont care about any of it except the not letting me know part.. I reckon thats downright disrespectful...from a guy, a girl anyone.

One things for sure, an aussie a. wouldnt miss a date hed made and b. if he did hed either make up a good excuse or be straight on the phone to apologise.

The negativity of love

Love. Cupids and angels, marriage and babies, passion, poetry, soulmates. But not many people dare to discuss the negative side of love; the sleepless nights, the lonliness, the jealousy, the torment, the torture and anguish.

Loving someone gives them the power to hurt you, and make you wonder why they love you. Love can be unrequited and unwanted. Love can be jealous and hurt both of you.

So why oh why do we do it?

Sometimes it creeps up on us slowly, the little things a person does for us, makes us smile. Sometimes we dont know where it comes from it just does and hits us between the eyes. Youd do anything for this person but WHY?

Many articles state that we are attracted to people who resemble our parents: http://people.howstuffworks.com/love2.htm But what if your parents are fucked up individuals? So your life is fucked??

Here I must link to this article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/love_why.shtml

So a psychological need is fulfilled...

And then there are the chemicals at play: http://people.howstuffworks.com/love1.htm

So basically love is a cheap trick to get us to procreate..?

So much to think about....

...If its the last thing I ever do...

Living on rice and boiled chicken again today, this is mainly because I dont go to the shops and because I have no money. Its ok though am losing weight-upside.

Martin asked me to go on a motorbike ride with him, or maybe hygge if it was raining, but predictably he didnt call. Maybe its because he used to know Christian (small world) or maybe its just a Danish thing (get me out of here) undoubtedly there will be a lame excuse involving family but I just find it so disrespectful. Im ok though as I got to finish all the cleaning and tidying ready for the valuation tomorrow. But why are Danish guys so arrogant like that? Martin is not the first, I think its cultural, but you could at least sms if youre a no show no? I may say a lot about Aussies but they would never behave in such a way. Common decency.

Have uncovered some job opportunities in nz as well as oz now so waiting to hear on those. Just want to get going now... as the rolling stones oonce said "gotta get outta this place.."

Getting the hell on with it

Ive decided. Being alone in a country you call home is much worse than being alone in a foreign country. Im scared and panicked and alone. I have no one to help, or rely on or even talk to. Now yes this is partly because of the reclusive person I am, and partly because of the bad decisions I made when falling in love with Christian. I really believed I was meant to be with him, however harshly he treated me, however many promises he broke. I loved him.

Its times like this I wish I had parents, or a family to at least talk to, if not to give me advice, guidance and support. But I dont. So I just have to get the hell on with it.

Bad mother

Ive now come to the conclusion that I can no longer keep my cats. I am incredibly sad about this but have to be practical. My cats hate to ride in the car, even 5 mins to the vets. If I sent them to australia it would be a 24 hour flight and 6 months in quarentine. They couldnt handle that. So now I have to find a new home for them. Its going to kill me to give them away, they are so sweet and such great company for me in my lonely hours. Whilst I was travelling I put them in a cat hotel, which was expensive over 6 months but I was glad to see them when I came home. But I cried so much when I left them there. Now to give them away, I hope I can find them a good home, I wish I could have looked after them their whole lives. They do need to stay together though cos theyre okay as long as they have each other. I am such a bad mum.

and shes back

Mood up again, period started, and feeling less emotional now, although my body still feels tired. Finally starting to get things organised re emigrating to australia.. its all very complicated and expensive but I think its doable...

Also had an email from a chinese film director so lets see what happens there too :)

Finally getting a grip..now to clean up and clean out!

Down

Feeling very down, havent left my bedroom since saturday, feeling on the edge, but as long as I stay here nothing and no one can hurt me in my vulnerable state. PMDD is killing me, and Im holding on to my mind and emotions right now, keeping them tied up tight, because Im scared what will happen if i lose it.

Im angry. Angry at Christian for letting me down so much, if it wasnt for him I wouldnt be in a lot of this mess. Angry at all the stupid decisions that I myself am responsible for. Im angry at players like Danny and Christian K, who tread all over people.

I feel trapped and lonely and afraid, but I know yet again I will have to face my fears, organise myself and fight this war.

I have some allies which I am very grateful for. I am being very honest about the state Im in, something which I dont usually talk about, and my reward is some understanding. Andreas has been checking on me, and Doc , but I am wary about their motives and this makes me panic and pull away more. Other than that Dan and Luke have been a great support and motivation and I trust those two are good friends and have my best interests at heart. So some support is there.

Glad to have the internet as a support, Im very afraid to start thinking because I know it will spiral and not with good results.

Hoping I snap out of this soon so I can get on with everything I need to do. Hormones should change in a week. This month its a bad one. I think eating wheat makes it a lot worse, plus Ive had the flu which has physically weakened me.

The sun is shining outside, but I lay in bed with the blinds down, and laptop on trying to push away all the bad thinking. It all upsets me, but theres nothing I can do so I have to try turn my back on it all and walk away.

Esteem Issues

I think I know what it is. I think its because my self esteem is so low, that any man I with has to be the most amazing, most intelligent, most beautiful, to make up for what I lack.

I need to find some self esteem. How do I get that? Through work? Through men? Im thinking of going back to acting/modelling maybe that will help with my esteem issues. I feel so worthless, but I cant get my esteem by dating people cleverer than me. Geez Im strange. So. Have found out the issue, now how to tackle it...

7th June

June 7th is always a bad day for me. It is my wedding anniversary. I feel sad on this day, but add pms, luke leaving, further rejection and the day isnt good. Stayed in bed all day on internet. Not sure what I would have done without this outlet. I got a happy anniversary email from the ex husband (??) But although I am sad about our marriage, I have managed to block him from my heart. Unfortunately Christian is in there, and of course he doesnt want to be. Nor do I want him there. Why of all people is HE there when theres a wonderful guy willing to give me anything and love me whatever, wanting to be in there. What is WRONG with me? This day last year I ended up with Oliver who I thought was an amazing james Bond type but he lives abroad and isnt looking for serious... he has a lot of women I think. I did talk to him about Christian though- I got an sms the other day that he was in town, but Im pretty sure all he wants is cheap thrills. Pretty much all anybody wants from me... except Luke, who really seems to love me. Maybe thats his downfall. How can I respect anyone stupid enough to love me?

Summary of lost blogging time

Right Im back on the net, with a dongle. Hate being offline, and not being able to blog.

So Luke came over, it wasnt the same as in Australia, and I was in a bad mood with him most of the time poor guy. I get so frustrated, and it makes me picky and grumpy. Guess Im not a nice person to be around.

Trying to figure out what to do. Flats in a mess so I have to tidy and flat is now on the market so expecting or hoping for lots of viewers. Need to sell soon, and figure out what to do next. Everything seems so complicated.

Have been missing the ex a lot, thinking about him a lot, I dont know why, well I do ... its unpacking boxes he wrote on and well missing his company I guess. Nothing I can do about it, he wont even be friends with me. I think he thinks Im crazy.

I m going a bit crazy with all the stress, Im crap at all this type of thing, and throwing stuff out and packing stuff up and arranging movers, storage, jobs, visas.

I think I will go to perth, really there is nothing here for me, and although I have decided that out of the european countries i have visited denmark is amazing and so is holland, but still no job, no friends here and fresh start required. I did love perth although its fast fading in my memory

I am heavily pmsing this month, probably because of all the wheat I was fed by my relatives in uk.... grrr.

Now Luke has gone I am all alone. No one calls me or calls on me, no friends, no family, no one in denmark cares about me or will help me with all I have to do. SO I just have to stay strong and help myself.

I can no longer express myself in danish, although most understand me when I speak. But then Im not sure I can express myself in any language right now. I did ok in spanish and italian and french though.. at least people understood me, and I was surprised how similar dutch is to danish really although I didnt attempt that one.

I have so much to do, I have no idea how to do it, I am glad I have invested in internet though because again I think this is what is going to be my support and ultimately save me.

Im not sure what my path should be right now I am hoping things will become easy as I am shown... or maybe I have to get through the hard stuff to eventually find some good.

Its nice to be loved unconditionally though, even though I cant reciprocate it, it makes me feel a bit less alone.

Sorry Sorry... not being on the internet is a nightmare, especially as I have been having a lot of anguish of late... That ex is still in my head.. yes I know hes bad... yes I know probably what is the nicest guy in the world is dying to date me... yes I know Im messed up. Been in a bit of depression since arriving back to Denmark. Not having a job and trying to sell the flat doesnt help either!

ANyway.. so been travelling Europe with Luke, Went to UK, then Paris, then by train to Rome (accidentally as the flight we had was cancelled) then Barcelona, AMsterdam and now at airport on way home again..!

Flight has just been called.. so have to run, catch up again as soon as I can get online again... and more pics to come too... x

Idiot Child

I feel like such an idiot. Trying to sort these bills out is driving me crazy. Thankfully my friend is helping me out, but I realise now just how awful I am with numbers. I always knew I was numerically dyslexic and better with words than numbers but having it shoved in my face makes me feel really pathetic. Not to mention all this craziness could have been avoided. So now I owe lots of money and my tenant is on my back for her deposit back.. which I am trying to work out fairly. Sometimes it feels like Im in a pressure cooker, and its always when Im PMSIng that that happens... Maybe if I wasnt PMSIng Id be able to handle it all a lot better instead of being crushed by it all. But coming "home" finding out my "friends arent really my friends, that my ex boyfriend cant be nice, that I cant get through the danish bureacracy, that I cant actually speak danish anymore, that I cant even get out of here and back to somewhere where I belong, is all driving me crazy. along with the PMDD, and the bad hair. On top of all this my internet is down, so I am completely isolated.

At he same time I realise how lucky I am with my friend mark taking the bills over and working it all out for me. I realise how lucky I am that I have the opportunity to escape, that I escaped from someoen who didnt love me, and found someone who does. How lucky I am that I can travel, that somewhere in the world someone does care about me, even if its not here. That Im lucky enough to have this opportunity to enjoy life whilst I can.
There.

Counting my blessings. Deep breath. Im absolutely haemorraging money right now. I really hope someone somewhere helps me put my house on the market soon.

I also have to stop caring about those people who dont care about me, and start caring about the ones that prove to me time and time again they do.

The dating game

I think Ive said this before but I hate dating. One of the worst things to do on a first date is to be over enthusiastic and talk about "when we get married"! and say cheesy things. Geez you just met.. relax a bit hey guys...

As you know Ive been searching for the perfect guy for sometime, and I seem to have been dating the dregs of the dating barrel, work colleagues, my boss, randoms from the internet. I now realise what i dont want...

A guy whose only conversation is how drunk he got, a guy who doesnt call or even want to see me, a guy whos only interested in the mirror, a guy who doesnt make me feel wanted or loved.

I also know what I do want.. a home with pets and children (in a couple of years) A man who proves he cares and would fly across the world to prove that, a guy who doesnt give up on me even if I give up on him, a guy who goes to sleep thinking about me, whether Im with him or not. A guy who puts me first. I still want that home with fruit trees and butterflies.

Right now I feel like Im in limbo, I cant do anything because of all the bureacracy, so all I can do is enjoy my summer and think to the future.

Luke is coming over next week, and Im so excited to finally have someone who understands near to me again. Am looking forward to travelling around europe with him a bit too :)

Staying positive here and looking forward to a positive outcome and a positive future :)