Idiot Child

I feel like such an idiot. Trying to sort these bills out is driving me crazy. Thankfully my friend is helping me out, but I realise now just how awful I am with numbers. I always knew I was numerically dyslexic and better with words than numbers but having it shoved in my face makes me feel really pathetic. Not to mention all this craziness could have been avoided. So now I owe lots of money and my tenant is on my back for her deposit back.. which I am trying to work out fairly. Sometimes it feels like Im in a pressure cooker, and its always when Im PMSIng that that happens... Maybe if I wasnt PMSIng Id be able to handle it all a lot better instead of being crushed by it all. But coming "home" finding out my "friends arent really my friends, that my ex boyfriend cant be nice, that I cant get through the danish bureacracy, that I cant actually speak danish anymore, that I cant even get out of here and back to somewhere where I belong, is all driving me crazy. along with the PMDD, and the bad hair. On top of all this my internet is down, so I am completely isolated.

At he same time I realise how lucky I am with my friend mark taking the bills over and working it all out for me. I realise how lucky I am that I have the opportunity to escape, that I escaped from someoen who didnt love me, and found someone who does. How lucky I am that I can travel, that somewhere in the world someone does care about me, even if its not here. That Im lucky enough to have this opportunity to enjoy life whilst I can.
There.

Counting my blessings. Deep breath. Im absolutely haemorraging money right now. I really hope someone somewhere helps me put my house on the market soon.

I also have to stop caring about those people who dont care about me, and start caring about the ones that prove to me time and time again they do.

The dating game

I think Ive said this before but I hate dating. One of the worst things to do on a first date is to be over enthusiastic and talk about "when we get married"! and say cheesy things. Geez you just met.. relax a bit hey guys...

As you know Ive been searching for the perfect guy for sometime, and I seem to have been dating the dregs of the dating barrel, work colleagues, my boss, randoms from the internet. I now realise what i dont want...

A guy whose only conversation is how drunk he got, a guy who doesnt call or even want to see me, a guy whos only interested in the mirror, a guy who doesnt make me feel wanted or loved.

I also know what I do want.. a home with pets and children (in a couple of years) A man who proves he cares and would fly across the world to prove that, a guy who doesnt give up on me even if I give up on him, a guy who goes to sleep thinking about me, whether Im with him or not. A guy who puts me first. I still want that home with fruit trees and butterflies.

Right now I feel like Im in limbo, I cant do anything because of all the bureacracy, so all I can do is enjoy my summer and think to the future.

Luke is coming over next week, and Im so excited to finally have someone who understands near to me again. Am looking forward to travelling around europe with him a bit too :)

Staying positive here and looking forward to a positive outcome and a positive future :)

Handling it

Its weird being back. Argh my body is fucked. Jet lag and pms are taking its toll and my skin and hair are a crazy mess.

Still things are looking better about the flat, downstairs sold so hopefully...

Had a date today but too too tired to make it. Rescheduled to lunch on friday...

Best news was though that Luke is coming over to visit next week! For 3 weeks! On one hand Luke is one of the nicest people I ever met, and on the other Australia is very far away, and am I ready for and do I deserve nice?

I think Im so used to men treating me like crap that when one is actually nice and does the huge romantic gestures I dont know what to do! I spend my life fighting men to be like that for me, and heres one being everything I need him to be, and I dont know how to handle it!!

As panicky as I am (and most of it is probably pms) Im looking forward to him coming over, so I can show him europe and my home I described to him and stuff when I was in Australia. Its his first time to this side of the world so it will be fun showing him around. i also have to go visit my sick aunt so good to have support to do that too :) Good to just have someone who really understand near to, as really need support and hugs right now!

Still figuring out moving to Perth and selling all my stuff in preparation.

Christian still has all my papers so Im not yet into gear with it all but doing my best.. have to sell soon as nearly out of money! (another panic)

Picture is yesterday on my balcony having dinner with my friend Mie..

Return to Oz

Right. I need to do this. I need to get back to Oz. Denmark is now sunny and pretty with fresh air. But the coldness of the people lingers on to nearly a cruel stage and for a sensitive soul like me its torture. There are people in Australia that love me, really love me. The real me, moods and everything. Theyd do anything for me, and I would for them. At last symbiotic relationships. Danes dont mean it, but they are vey selfish, all tied up in their own little worlds, to be able to see out, reach out to other people.

Im currently living on rice. My finances are pretty much used up on medical bills, travelling, rent for here and paying my tenant back for lost goods ( I dont think I can do that) I really really need to sell my apartment so I can be free and eat again! I cant even check my balance as my IE has gone down so I cant see my online bank. Also spent too much money on my welcome home party, and hardly anyone came anyway... I got used to living on so little when traveling coming back to dk is a shock.

Think positively Angel. I have a way out of here. I have people who love me. I just need to get there.

First I have to figure out how to put my flat on the market in denmark. My danish has gotten bad again, so no one understands me on the phone.

I also have to figure out what bills the tenant owed so have to try contact the relevant companies, ex still have my papers so I dont know what the companies are until he returns them. And the tenant is on my back about getting her deposit back... same problem with internet explorer..

All this makes me panic lots! But theres only me to deal with it all. No one will help me. So off I go into the world..alone.. Also pms symptoms started today!

Mie wants to come over for dinner tomorrow, I tried to explain Im living off rice, and she said shed go halves on the food.. but Im living on rice! When Im low on money food is the one place I start to skimp, especially in denmark where everything is so expensive. Why cant people just eat rice??

Right off to have my rice breakfast and figure out how to sort this whole mess out!

If its the last thing I ever do..

So I am back in Denmark. Arrived to a grey sky and a rainy airport to be picked up by a stranger who was actually very nice, and only the next day turned weird... He´d arrived with breakfast and shopping and took me to pick up my stuff Christain has left at Piets house then took me to pick up my cats in the countryside.

I saw Piet who is supposed to be my best mate and all he said was theres your stuff. No hugs no welcome home, that was it. Made me cry. The guy was ill but still, Ive been away 6 months!

So the guy stayed for a cup of tea then left, all very pleasant, got on well.. and then the next day, he deletes me from facebook and says he doesnt want to speak to me anymore as he has fallen for me and fears it will hurt too much! How strange! I mean I was jetlagged so even if I had interest I wouldnt have known that day!

The next day I was supposed to see Kasper but he didnt bother calling so the salesman comes over, someone I used to indirectly work with. Hes been chatting me up over the internet for a while, saying he wants to have kids and stuff. Ive been giving him a hardtime really because I know he is friends with idiots and I tell him my hearts in Australia, which it is.

So he comes over we go for a walk on the beach, have a great day and then he leaves. Says he´ll see me at my party.

The party: not many turn up but a few people who I adore (picture is me and my friend Mie) did which was good. Many people said they would but didnt, The Salesman calls to ask for directions, doesnt arrive in an hour and when I sms to find out what happened turns out hes in another bar. How rude.Wont be talking to him again.

Denmark is cold and the people are cold. I realise now that its not me, Im not expecting too much, Im just in the wrong place. I need to be back in Australia with like minded people and those that care about me and treat me the way I need to be treated. I know now more than ever where I belong, where I am happy and I dont feel put out or disrespected in the least. I have to find my way home to Australia.

Have a few hurdles to get over first. I wanted to put my flat on the market before I went but then bf said not to. Now the markets have changed and nothing is selling. I have only 3 months rent left and then I am fucked. I havent got money for food and I havent got a job. My friend says I should go on the dole here.. something I have never ever done. I would rather find a job. Maybe I can rent out again if I cant sell and move to Australia. Australia to me holds a better life, better people and more chance of the happiness I have been looking for.

In the words of the rolling stones: I gotta get outta this place if its the last thing I ever do....