Death and taxes

The only things you can be sure about is death and taxes.

Whats the worse thing that can happen when you run out of money, cant get a job and live on rice?

a 40000 tax bill thats what.

I woke up to an email from SKAT and tried to navigate myself around the tastselv online skat thing but its useless, none of it makes any sense to me. I have no idea what to do who to talk to what to say... hoping the ground swallow me up soon.

I cant cope with this at all now.

More depressed than ever.

Waiting for Godot

Time comes and time goes... the space in between the darkness I just try and get through by watching the television and living through the characters, until I can sleep again and dream.

One day is much like the next, waking up, checking email, feeding cats and then laying on my bed staring at the televison with he internet at my side.

I hate people even more today. I am trying to sell all my furniture so I can make my rent payments and yet on my thread on facebook this guy mark buts in and starts trying to sell his stuff to my mates! How disrespectful and rude is that!?

I winder if I ever will have a life again, very depressed and fighting off suicidal thoughts. I am stronger than all this... just waiting for doors to start opening...

Closing doors

when one door shuts another opens right? No, doors are slamming in my face all over and nothing is opening. I know I have to keep patient, but its so frustrating. Needless to say didnt get the job, which makes me feel like the path to perth is the way to go...just need to wait and keep hope up. something will have to happen soon.....right?

Losers

Well I have just found out what a loser Thomas is. After all that stress I went through not wanting to hurt him, he sets me up to call him, and puts his jealous gf on. The guy is weak and wants attention, fair enough when youre bald, ugly and boring I suppose. And to think I really cared about him. Not anymore. Best rid of that one. I truly see now the people in my life that mean something and the ones who only wanted to use me. Things are becoming much much clearer. At the moment there is only one person I trust in my life. Get me out of denmark.

Better life

Well.... spoke to estate agent and he seemed very positive..but will wait a week and see what happens on internet. Have a job interview on monday, thanks to Andreas, nothing permanent but will help pay the bills awhile so maybe I can eat more than rice! Also will keep me from boredom and help me leave the house: last left the flat 14 days ago... sold a few of my things so flat looking a bit empty which makes me feel a bit scared and sad, but I have to do this, I have to do this to be happy. Trying to see the better life that will come, although its hard right now. Im a bit worried that I will makes friends and grow roots, and then end up not going...

Emotionally deceased

So I was doing ok.. I get someone call about the apartment, get myself excited and then they call back and cancel... disappointment. Im under a lot of stress trying to sell all my stuff and get out of here.

Selling all my furniture now so I send a mail out to all my friends. Get a reply from christian that he wants to buy my duvet (even though its not on the list) So I think yeah let him have it he enjoyed it and my english pillows and I need to lessen the load so i say he can have it with all the bedlinen and pillows for 500dk. Then he keeps firing questions at me.. how much bedlinen with it, is it washable etc etc And then Im taken back to when we shared that duvet together... When he smsed me in Vietnam, told me hed bought a bed for us, and said maybe thats where wed make out first baby together.

It seems however much I push it back Im still not over losing that baby. Its just all come back, being in vietnam, bleeding, being at the doctors, all the tests and scans and the IV antibiotics. And it hurts. More than anything. Its like being shot with a gun through the chest. But I am alone with all this pain and guilt, as usual. Still I suppose its better than being alone with a child. But what if I never have another chance?

I should probably see someone about it, and I will as soon as I get to Australia, theres no one in Denmark I can talk to. Least of all christian. I do need to sort it all out in my head and heart though.

The selfish git just wants to be comfortable. He didnt even mean it to annoy me, he is just selfish and arrogant and emotionally deceased.

The guy is for some reason afraid of intimacy with a woman, and in a way I feel sorry for him, something must have happened to make him this way, or maybe he is just a psychopath.

Anyway trying to lock all the emotions down again. Id rather take the damn duvet then have to see him again anyway. Just dont need that kind of hassle.

Note to self

You gotta accent-thu-ate the positive,
E-lim-inate the negative,
And latch onTo the affirmative
Dont mess with mister in-between!

You gotta spread joy up to the maximum,
Bring gloom down to the minimum,
And have faith ( amen! )
Or pandemoniums
Liable to walk upon the scene!

(Johnny Mercer / Harold Arlen)

Got to keep going...

So the moving guy came today, also said it will take ages to sell. The thing that pisses me off is Christian. He stopped me from selling 6 months back, hes the reason I have no job, I spent tonnes of money on him and his family, and yet he just walks away and takes his family with him. Not even offers any help, guidance, support or friendship. Just leaves me in the shit. What a shitty guy. I guess its my fault for trusting him, for buying christmas and birthday gifts for his family (which by the way he took credit for and I got no thanks for at all). Anyway trying to move on and let go of anger. I will just have to leave it for sale and hope it goes soon. But it amazes me how people can ruin your life and then just walk away like that.


Low today, finding it hard to leave house, so much to do and think about and I dont feel well at all. Got to keep going , got to keep going....

Anyway

Anyway, securing a place in a NZ Uni for a 6 week course, and after that it shouldnt be too hard to find a sponsorship job and therefore a work visa for Aus... they reckon after I apply it will take about 3 months.

So just need to sell the flat. Valuer coming today and meeting estate agent later in the week so getting on with that one too. Will also put it up properly on websites here as well.

Getting a moving company over to give me an estimate on removals to Aus this week, and in the mean time trying to sell most of my furniture.

So will probably clear the flat out, leave it for sale and head off to NZ asap.

Things are getting clearer.

Also got an apology from Martin, bit little bit late. Still it all makes me glad to leave and pushes me to do so asap.

Danish Men

Firstly apologies if youre a Danish guy and not like this, I am well known for my brash generalisations. When I was abroad I missed Danish guys; their little boy cheekiness, their confidence, their humour, but now I realise they are all a lot alike; selfish, arrogant and childish.

Take this guy Martin I was supposed to go out with on sunday, no apologies just a lame excuse:

"Jeg var ude fredag med firmaet til kl. meget sent.. Ude at spille golf i 6 timer lørdag, og i byen igen til kl. 0730 søndag morgen... Stod først op igår kl 1900.. Var ude og spise Burger med en Kammerat og tog hjem til mig og så fodbold.. Gik i seng igen ved en 2230 tiden.. Så sov Sgu hele dagen væk..!! "

For those of you non danes translates as "

I was out Friday with work until very late..Out and played golf for 6 hours on saturday, and went out on the town until 7.30am sunday morning...First got up yesterday 7pm..Went out and ate burger with a mate and went home, watched football..Went to bed around 10.30pm..So slept the whole frickin day away!!"

Oh well thats ok then..as long as you were drunk our plans dont matter and you have no reason to sms me and apologise or let me know whats going on!?

Im not that upset, I mean I hardly know the bloke but it is exactly what Christian did on our first date, and seems like standard behaviour out here, and even more worrying its seems acceptable.

Now I dont care about any of it except the not letting me know part.. I reckon thats downright disrespectful...from a guy, a girl anyone.

One things for sure, an aussie a. wouldnt miss a date hed made and b. if he did hed either make up a good excuse or be straight on the phone to apologise.

The negativity of love

Love. Cupids and angels, marriage and babies, passion, poetry, soulmates. But not many people dare to discuss the negative side of love; the sleepless nights, the lonliness, the jealousy, the torment, the torture and anguish.

Loving someone gives them the power to hurt you, and make you wonder why they love you. Love can be unrequited and unwanted. Love can be jealous and hurt both of you.

So why oh why do we do it?

Sometimes it creeps up on us slowly, the little things a person does for us, makes us smile. Sometimes we dont know where it comes from it just does and hits us between the eyes. Youd do anything for this person but WHY?

Many articles state that we are attracted to people who resemble our parents: http://people.howstuffworks.com/love2.htm But what if your parents are fucked up individuals? So your life is fucked??

Here I must link to this article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/love_why.shtml

So a psychological need is fulfilled...

And then there are the chemicals at play: http://people.howstuffworks.com/love1.htm

So basically love is a cheap trick to get us to procreate..?

So much to think about....

...If its the last thing I ever do...

Living on rice and boiled chicken again today, this is mainly because I dont go to the shops and because I have no money. Its ok though am losing weight-upside.

Martin asked me to go on a motorbike ride with him, or maybe hygge if it was raining, but predictably he didnt call. Maybe its because he used to know Christian (small world) or maybe its just a Danish thing (get me out of here) undoubtedly there will be a lame excuse involving family but I just find it so disrespectful. Im ok though as I got to finish all the cleaning and tidying ready for the valuation tomorrow. But why are Danish guys so arrogant like that? Martin is not the first, I think its cultural, but you could at least sms if youre a no show no? I may say a lot about Aussies but they would never behave in such a way. Common decency.

Have uncovered some job opportunities in nz as well as oz now so waiting to hear on those. Just want to get going now... as the rolling stones oonce said "gotta get outta this place.."

Getting the hell on with it

Ive decided. Being alone in a country you call home is much worse than being alone in a foreign country. Im scared and panicked and alone. I have no one to help, or rely on or even talk to. Now yes this is partly because of the reclusive person I am, and partly because of the bad decisions I made when falling in love with Christian. I really believed I was meant to be with him, however harshly he treated me, however many promises he broke. I loved him.

Its times like this I wish I had parents, or a family to at least talk to, if not to give me advice, guidance and support. But I dont. So I just have to get the hell on with it.

Bad mother

Ive now come to the conclusion that I can no longer keep my cats. I am incredibly sad about this but have to be practical. My cats hate to ride in the car, even 5 mins to the vets. If I sent them to australia it would be a 24 hour flight and 6 months in quarentine. They couldnt handle that. So now I have to find a new home for them. Its going to kill me to give them away, they are so sweet and such great company for me in my lonely hours. Whilst I was travelling I put them in a cat hotel, which was expensive over 6 months but I was glad to see them when I came home. But I cried so much when I left them there. Now to give them away, I hope I can find them a good home, I wish I could have looked after them their whole lives. They do need to stay together though cos theyre okay as long as they have each other. I am such a bad mum.

and shes back

Mood up again, period started, and feeling less emotional now, although my body still feels tired. Finally starting to get things organised re emigrating to australia.. its all very complicated and expensive but I think its doable...

Also had an email from a chinese film director so lets see what happens there too :)

Finally getting a grip..now to clean up and clean out!

Down

Feeling very down, havent left my bedroom since saturday, feeling on the edge, but as long as I stay here nothing and no one can hurt me in my vulnerable state. PMDD is killing me, and Im holding on to my mind and emotions right now, keeping them tied up tight, because Im scared what will happen if i lose it.

Im angry. Angry at Christian for letting me down so much, if it wasnt for him I wouldnt be in a lot of this mess. Angry at all the stupid decisions that I myself am responsible for. Im angry at players like Danny and Christian K, who tread all over people.

I feel trapped and lonely and afraid, but I know yet again I will have to face my fears, organise myself and fight this war.

I have some allies which I am very grateful for. I am being very honest about the state Im in, something which I dont usually talk about, and my reward is some understanding. Andreas has been checking on me, and Doc , but I am wary about their motives and this makes me panic and pull away more. Other than that Dan and Luke have been a great support and motivation and I trust those two are good friends and have my best interests at heart. So some support is there.

Glad to have the internet as a support, Im very afraid to start thinking because I know it will spiral and not with good results.

Hoping I snap out of this soon so I can get on with everything I need to do. Hormones should change in a week. This month its a bad one. I think eating wheat makes it a lot worse, plus Ive had the flu which has physically weakened me.

The sun is shining outside, but I lay in bed with the blinds down, and laptop on trying to push away all the bad thinking. It all upsets me, but theres nothing I can do so I have to try turn my back on it all and walk away.

Esteem Issues

I think I know what it is. I think its because my self esteem is so low, that any man I with has to be the most amazing, most intelligent, most beautiful, to make up for what I lack.

I need to find some self esteem. How do I get that? Through work? Through men? Im thinking of going back to acting/modelling maybe that will help with my esteem issues. I feel so worthless, but I cant get my esteem by dating people cleverer than me. Geez Im strange. So. Have found out the issue, now how to tackle it...

7th June

June 7th is always a bad day for me. It is my wedding anniversary. I feel sad on this day, but add pms, luke leaving, further rejection and the day isnt good. Stayed in bed all day on internet. Not sure what I would have done without this outlet. I got a happy anniversary email from the ex husband (??) But although I am sad about our marriage, I have managed to block him from my heart. Unfortunately Christian is in there, and of course he doesnt want to be. Nor do I want him there. Why of all people is HE there when theres a wonderful guy willing to give me anything and love me whatever, wanting to be in there. What is WRONG with me? This day last year I ended up with Oliver who I thought was an amazing james Bond type but he lives abroad and isnt looking for serious... he has a lot of women I think. I did talk to him about Christian though- I got an sms the other day that he was in town, but Im pretty sure all he wants is cheap thrills. Pretty much all anybody wants from me... except Luke, who really seems to love me. Maybe thats his downfall. How can I respect anyone stupid enough to love me?

Summary of lost blogging time

Right Im back on the net, with a dongle. Hate being offline, and not being able to blog.

So Luke came over, it wasnt the same as in Australia, and I was in a bad mood with him most of the time poor guy. I get so frustrated, and it makes me picky and grumpy. Guess Im not a nice person to be around.

Trying to figure out what to do. Flats in a mess so I have to tidy and flat is now on the market so expecting or hoping for lots of viewers. Need to sell soon, and figure out what to do next. Everything seems so complicated.

Have been missing the ex a lot, thinking about him a lot, I dont know why, well I do ... its unpacking boxes he wrote on and well missing his company I guess. Nothing I can do about it, he wont even be friends with me. I think he thinks Im crazy.

I m going a bit crazy with all the stress, Im crap at all this type of thing, and throwing stuff out and packing stuff up and arranging movers, storage, jobs, visas.

I think I will go to perth, really there is nothing here for me, and although I have decided that out of the european countries i have visited denmark is amazing and so is holland, but still no job, no friends here and fresh start required. I did love perth although its fast fading in my memory

I am heavily pmsing this month, probably because of all the wheat I was fed by my relatives in uk.... grrr.

Now Luke has gone I am all alone. No one calls me or calls on me, no friends, no family, no one in denmark cares about me or will help me with all I have to do. SO I just have to stay strong and help myself.

I can no longer express myself in danish, although most understand me when I speak. But then Im not sure I can express myself in any language right now. I did ok in spanish and italian and french though.. at least people understood me, and I was surprised how similar dutch is to danish really although I didnt attempt that one.

I have so much to do, I have no idea how to do it, I am glad I have invested in internet though because again I think this is what is going to be my support and ultimately save me.

Im not sure what my path should be right now I am hoping things will become easy as I am shown... or maybe I have to get through the hard stuff to eventually find some good.

Its nice to be loved unconditionally though, even though I cant reciprocate it, it makes me feel a bit less alone.

Sorry Sorry... not being on the internet is a nightmare, especially as I have been having a lot of anguish of late... That ex is still in my head.. yes I know hes bad... yes I know probably what is the nicest guy in the world is dying to date me... yes I know Im messed up. Been in a bit of depression since arriving back to Denmark. Not having a job and trying to sell the flat doesnt help either!

ANyway.. so been travelling Europe with Luke, Went to UK, then Paris, then by train to Rome (accidentally as the flight we had was cancelled) then Barcelona, AMsterdam and now at airport on way home again..!

Flight has just been called.. so have to run, catch up again as soon as I can get online again... and more pics to come too... x