chemical reactions

Woke up today not so good and before even taking pill had crying/panic episode andmy head feels like exploding and feel angry. Have an appointment with a new psychologist today and really dont want this to be the first she sees of me. Read about this drug on internetand it seems many people on it have committed suicide. I dont want to commit suicide. I really dont but I am scared.

Luke is looking after me, helping me and staying with me so I am very lucky to have him still as a friend.

Wonderstuff

last couple weeks Ive been a bit shaky and on monday saw the dr again. This time he sent me for a scan on my hip and prescribed an anti anxiety/antidepressant called Lexapro. He also gave me another 2 weeks off work.

This dr is new and he seems to understand everything, he gave me his mobile number in case bad stuff happened like the last time I tried antidepressants. This made me feel a lot more trusting of him.

I took the first Lexapro yesterday morning- half a tablet. Before taking it I was anxious and tearful. I took it and 30 minutes later was dumbed down, felt sleepy couldnt feel anything, and 2 hours after taking it it hit me, like a screaming pain in my head. Thi lasted for 15 minutes of me screaming out ane then it was ok. And I fely dare I say it...happy!? AT least peaceful, all the fears the irritableness the jealousy just dissipated. I do seem to have lost the taste for food, I no longer get intense pleasure from eating chocolate or cocacola like I did the day before- but possibly a small price to pay if this will make me a better stronger person...

Took 2nd half this morning and the whoosing head was there but not so bad, but already feeling more confident and content...

I am an emotional person and I hope this doesnt take away all of that.. but Im hoping I can go out do things and maybe enjoy work?

I am coming to the realisation though that I may have been addicted to sex and using sex as a way of feeling chemically good and de stressing. WHilst this sounds ok its not and the guilt and broken relationships remind me so too. I didnt even realise I was doing it, but lexapro seems to help in this area too.

Is Angel changed forever by a small white pill....?

I'm human and I need to be loved- just like everybody else does

Things seem to happen, lost my bank card, got attacked outside work. Currently off work with PTSD, can't stop crying. Guess the stress finally broke me. I feel so vulnerable and small and unsafe. Had bloods done. Dr gave me week off work, which I needed. I just dont feel safe in this world, when there is so much evil around.

I feel safe when I'm with Luke and Ben but thats about it.

I will get stronger again wont I?

New start

Ok a lot's happened in the past month. I left Luke so single again, I moved out and have my own house and I bought a puppy. I held this puppy and I cried- I did try others but this one is like a baby, and now I feel fulfilled in my maternal needs. Picture of my puppy Kasper to the left..

Men: lots of those around, Craigs still around, and theres Ben who I love spending time with in everyway but dont want to fall for him, hes not my "type" and he doesnt want more children (has a 10 year old girl). And then theres Amit a crazy psychiatrist. I dont want to be emotionally involved just yet, enjoying being single again for a moment.

Feeling bad about Luke, and I still love him, hes an amazing guy and his family are still so kind to me even though we split.

Onwards...

Work life balance

Back to work tomorrow... Scared even though managed to turn things around a little at work and become a huge instrument of change on the childrens unit-both by becoming a health and safety rep and making changes that way, and also by being seconded to a seclusion and restraint reduction project and producing a report entitled" In the pursuit of compassionate care- a literature review of multi-sensory approaches to reduce seclusion and restraint and promote mental health on child and adolescent mental health units" I have also been asked to do the annual report on the unit.

Its amazing watching my suggestions being used and becoming a reality. The programme seemed to have been an idea from one person which turned into a cult- not based on any evidence based research at all! So unbelievable and cruel how these children are dealt with - and by employing unskilled workers and indoctrinating them into the ways of "the programme" the cult begins and everyone does what they are told- except of course me- who was taught by her lecturer to question why she does everything and if she doesnt know or its because its always done its probably wrong :)I have a new job in a private hospital for adults. I am not sure whether to take it or whether I can stay in my desk job and make changes from the outside (which seems the only way to do it whilst keeping your sanity!)Back to work on tomorrow and find out whats what....

Also feel like Im living lots of different lives. I have one with Luke. One kind of with Craig, and yet somehow my heart always manages to jump when I hear from Christian. WHO AM I??

I need to decide who or what I want but am so scared of making yet another stupid decision Im paralysed to do anything.

If I stick with Luke I will always be older and wiser and this will always affect me but can we make it through anyway and have a family? If I leave Luke for Craig, do I even like Craig and can I keep him long enough to have a family with him. Why do I even still dream of a family with Christian, who just seems to drink-sms me.

Missing Mie and Marrianne a lot right now, miss having my good female friends, Have made a female friend at work Jenn whos Canadian and we chat mostly about how in love she is. I miss being in Love. I have nothing to write poetry about anymore...

Picture is me on some rocks in Broome, Western Australia last wednesday.

Disappointment

Just been on a 2 week jaunt around western australian outback with Luke and a friend. As much as I said i would try I don't think I can be with Luke. I just don't have time to wait around to see if it works out. Next March Im 34, I want to have a baby, it's getting very late. Why didnt I make it work with those people I left behind in Denmark? Why did I treat them appallingly to be someone who treated me appallingly? To be with Craig would mean yet another compromise. I want to be with someone I love and respect but it seems I am no longer capable of either of these things! Everyone I meet disappoints me. This probably says more about me than them...

Someone like me

It takes a lot to love someone like me. Therefore a hat must be taken off to a man that actually tries and stays at it. Luke is a rock, and I should be greateful and further more happy that he actually wants to love me. I have therfore stopped entertaining the idea of another man and started focusing my energy on luke. He may not be perfect but he loves me and that should be enough. Men come and men go, but luke has thus far proved his longevity. If I havent learned anything by all this blogging I should remember the guys that just want to use me dont stay around long. Love is different things to different people.

Love me or leave me but let me be lonely

90 mill.. hahaha if only..

Interview went great thanks GOT THE JOB... just need to sort out paper work.

Further bullying =by email but apparently its ok..say the management.

I am SO out of there. Also asked (along with 4 others) to move wards.

Think I may kick up a storm before I go though.

Now Im having trouble. Luke, wonderful, caring charming Luke has competition. The only thing apart from success this guy has going for him and of course being nearer my age is the pheromones. What do I do? Do I do anything? Is it just a crush. Luke is so obviously the best choice in this case, but if Im attracted to other people thats serious isnt it? I should leave shouldnt I?

Photo from a night out 2 weeks ago.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Ok feeling more positive at last! The psychic helped in the self fulfilling prophecy kind of way. Sent my CV out and now have an interview on MONDAY at a private psychiatry clinic, which looks pretty nice.

Also anaged to stand up (a bit) for myself against those bullying bitches at work. One such "lady" shoved her way past me, in the office, despite there being ladders around. I just stood still, and said "excuse me!" she yelled out "well you were in my path" and instead of biting it I say "well it was the wrong path" and leave. When I get back she yells at me "have you got a problem?" I say calmly "no, have you?" and she starts ranting about my attitude, so I counter with her attitude and it was silly pushing past me and ladders in the office, to which she yells "its not your office!" So I just tell her shes been ridiculous and walk out.

There is a lot of stress and animosity at the moment on the unit, everyone is breaking down and attacking each other. There are no clear guidelines so everyone thinks theyre right. Its a mess.
ANd its dangerous. Theyve closed off 4 beds but still, it goes against all my morals and teaching to treat children the way they do there.

Tonight is the 90 million dollar lottery.. so far positive thinking is working for me..;)

Thru the darkness

Have has a very dark month or so.. sooo downa nd not able to come out of it, physically so weak, mentally emotionally weak. Have been trying to keep up on cocacola and chocolate.

Have finally managed to shake Christian from my thoughts. But things with Luke came to a head when I was kissed by other guy. Thinking about it though, this guys lures of wanting children and a life with me may be along the same lines of the stuff I fell for with Danny. Just trying to get me into bed, and while I am initially attracted I dont even know if I like this guy.

Luke is so good and kind, and of course I had to tell him about this. Im not sure what to do. If I stay with Luke my chance of a family will be pretty much gone.

I went to a womens expo on friday and there were lots of fertility clinics there saying after 35 youre pretty much fucked in terms of having children naturally.

Physically Im a mess, my neck back, soul is out of alightment. I also saw a clairvoyant psychic who said I have the gift and should develop it, she said a lot of other stuff about new job new home but Im not sure whether to believe it or she was saying what she knew I wanted to hear. Considering attending a christian spirtualist church. All I know is I need to make myself strong again.

Everything is a mess, and life almost got too unbearable for me, but managed to snap back up a little bit.

The diet, the people here, are just not good for my body or soul. Im too senstive. I need to find a way to get my body and mind feeling positive without caffeine, chocolate, men.

The unit I am working on is too dangerous, they are even thinking of closing it down.

I really really want to take up and just travel again. Run away I guess...

New Horizons

Went to the work do and survived, and gt sent back to work on light duties last tues. Hate my job, hate the way the children are treated. Miss Denmark.

Have to try and pull myself away from Luke if I am to have children. Offers from guys out there but Luke is safe and I am comfortable, but he is not long term.

I cant live like this, unhappy in all areas of my life, and maybe this is something to do with the traction injury I incurred to my arm, but I want more. Or for those of you familiar with my life.. I STILL want more.

I want to be happy, at work and at play. I want to be in love and from that love start a family.

Maybe I need God. It seems all those with God in their lives are very happy.

I do need love and joy in my life. I need to be stronger and less of a victim but how how how?

Do others need to work this hard to be happy?

Petrified heart

Luke is very understanding about the way I feel. He knows that I love him but hes too young for me, and although it hurts him accepts that I may need more. This level of maturity and acceptance makes me love him more, and although I am not in love, my repect for him grows.

The other guy wants me and shows an admirable endurance. But I just dont know about him.

And then theres Christian. I have never stopped loving him or thinking about him, and I dont know why and I sont know when it will stop. Even Andrew didnt take this long to get over WTF?! This could be why I am unable to love anyone else.

I need help. Ive been saying it a lot but now I do... a psychologist or buddhism or scientology something to help me figure myself out and give me back my confidence.

Im scared of everything and I need that to stop.

Have a work do tomorrow and Im petrified. The girl whos been bullying me is going to be there and Im so scared.

Ring of fire

I hate my life and even more I hate myself. Talked to Luke yesteday about how Im feeling about the relationship, and of course he was very upset. I do care about him, but not in love and I dont think thats fair on either of us. I mean I tried to weigh up whats important, love or longevity, and I chose the latter but I feel like a fraud. Luke is such a good man, and he looks after me, and hes what I need. But not who or what I want. That guy was bad for me and I left him behind in DK.And I miss him. How after over a year- possibly nearer two.. can I not get this guy out of my head and heart? And then theres the other guy wiling to give me what I want, whos here and now and has eveything in place and responsible, but Im not in a position to date him, and even if I was would I even like him? Why was...I so in love with C and I havent even seen him in years and he hurt me so much and Im a totally different person now anyway.

I miss Denmark a lot. Denmark was the best place to bring up children. Not here. I so very much want to have children though, and I think thats the one thing Luke cant give me..

I hate my job, I really dont want to be there, and Im not as still off with my hurt arm. I loved my job at DanaWeb. Not everyday and not when it was stressful and not being picked on by Mia. But I loved making designs and the people. I miss Mie a lot, I miss people that understand me and are not bitchy. Danish girls are generally not bitchy, well Mie wasnt.

Luke says I should go back to Dk for a trip and see how I feel. But you cant go backwards can you? Only forwards. Luke is an amazing gu. He deserves much better than me.

I miss DK I miss more who I was in DK. I was strong and beautiful, and confident. Here I am weak and ugly.

Im so confused. Im always confused. I need someone strong to hold me down and tell me this is how its gonna be. I need someone to be in control. I feel like Im totally out of control. My life is not going the way I want it to be.

Still havent seen any money from my flat, so cant pay any of my debts off. Despite angry emails everywhere no one cares. The money seems to have just disappeared. I miss my lovely apartment, my lovely cats, my lovely beach. I think I was very lonely but whats worse?

I dont understand anything.

Some thoughts

SO still off work with a damaged arm-hurt in a restraint and been prescribed fentanyl.. a pretty scary opiate. I want to be a web designer again.

Australia. Denmark is very protected the food the tv, Australia is not like this. The food contains ghastly amounts of chemicals and fats, the tv is infomercial after infomercial which grates on your very soul. The children are spoiled, and abused. Its very similar to UK apart from the sunshine and the amazing beaches.

I miss the simplicity of DK, the white sands, the shorter working hours the laws stating you must have a break. The people are warmer here, but the warmth makes them less sharp and spontaneous. I am disgusted by most of what I see, just repulsed and it makes me angry and unhappy.

Perhaps Australia is not the place for me. Perhaps the world is not the place for me... or maybe its just the people.....

Self destruction

Feeling stronger, apart from the shoulder injury I picked up at work today, but now I have been signed off sick as unfit to work, so at least can get all my paperwork sorted, if I can write!

Christian told me im the most self destructive person he knows. I know I kinda am. Moving to Australia wasnt the worse thing I could have done, but maybe if Id stuck it out longer in DK I could have worked things out.. anyways je ne regret rien!

I do miss DK, and Christian, and Mie, but in reality I didnt fit into DK, I just dont seem to fit anywhere.

AT least here, Luke cares about me and looks after me, and thats more than Ive probably had in my life.

In pursuit of happiness

So I realise I have a social phobia. Hate being around people. Especially after that work person basically told me eveyone hates me. Nightmare. Was at a workmates wedding today, and I just couldnt wait to get out of there.

So I have social phobias, Im not a nice person, and I feel like crap. WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY EXISTANCE other than pure torture?

I wonder why Luke puts up with me sometimes.

I am definitely not happy though. Australia is not like I thought it would be, its far too similar to UK and working with all UK people and their miserableness and humour that pokes fun at people is doiing my head in. I MISS DENMARK!! I have realised I am more Danish than english.

I have cut all contact with the other man, not that anything happened but he wanted it to, and to distract myself from my sad life I may have slipped into something I didnt want to do. However now i have absolutely no distraction from the boredom and lonliness of it all.

I miss my computer. My computer is my best friend and fulfills all my needs. I need to work with computers again. Not people.

Stuck here on a visa, I dont have many job options. Oh I do just want to fly away.

My shipment is stuck in customs, My money from my flat is stuck in denmark, The rent from my flat is stuck in my old tenants pocket and I am stuck trying to change the person I am into a person not only I like but people around me like.

Fuck. This is hard.

What a life

Sorry I havent caught up with you in ages, things have been so busy.

Things with Luke havent been great, and since my birthday when that guy asked me out I have been questioning our relationship.

Work hasnt been great either. As always theres one person who really makes my life difficult, always female, and always above average size.

So needless to say IM not too happy right now.

33, and trapped. Missing Denmark. Not sure if I ever will be able to have kids, or be in a job I love again.

Christian has forgotten about me- he forgot my birthday. (Which by the way the pic is from with my friend Jay) I ever forget anyone, and still think about every single person who has meant somethingto me.

Parents still havent called, but they did send money for my birthday which was a surprise...or was it.

Wish I could run away and go travelling again. Not liking myself or my life right now.

Working in a team of english people and english people are so rude and sarcastic to each other I just cant deal with it.

I just ant seem to get anything in my life right at the moment and wondering whether I should be doing something different.

My shipment arrived from DK this week and my flat sold so thats that chapter of my life closed, which hurts. Havent seen the money for the flat yet though! ALso the guy renting my flat didnt pay the last two months so thats pretty annoying too. PLUS he stole all my things.

I think I am just unlucky, these things never seem to happen to anyone else.

Im a loser baby...

Im never happy. I have no exciting conversations, Im not particularly interesting, Im not funny, and I dont really like being around people, becuase I am scared and ashamed to be around them. Im just not good enough.

I dont have children, I dont have anything of any realy value, I dont have a family...

So when put against Lukes sister, who is confident, well dressed,beautiful, outgoing, the life and soul of the party I feel inadequate. And her weedy, yet strangely full of himself boyfriend really annoys me.

DOnt get me wrong, I love his sister , everyone loves his sister, shes a lovely person. But I am extremely jealous that she can be who she wans and get what she wants and acts perfectly all the time, whereas I am a constant misery and no fun to be around at all.

Im not nice to live with, my mood changes a lot and I cry a lot. I get upset because Luke doesnt do little things to show he cars, like remember valentines or buy me flowers or anything.

And maybe I overcompensate by buying him things all the time, because although I love him I know deep down that Im not totally in love with him.

SOmetimes I feel I just want my life to stop, I cant go on being me anymore, and its just too hard to change.

WHY CANT I BE HAPPY.

Work blues

Im not sure I like being back in nursing. All these women trying to prove themselves, its crazy. It makes for a instable environment both to work and for the kids. The kids are ok, managable. Like I say its just the staff that make it all so difficult. I feel the difference when on shift with different people. And thats the other thing: shift work is killing me.

Been thinking back to denmark and making it rosey in my mind, but it wasnt I know. I have a better life here, more sunshine, people who care. I just need to find my way out of this job and into one that suits me better.

I do miss Denmark, the danes in general. Yes there were weird bitches like Mia, but in general people were less anxious and more down to earth. People here are a lot less stuffy though.

Still hot here, 32 C today.

My apartment in copenhagen is about to be sold... ridiculously under the asking price, but in this climate what can you do?! At least its sold, and im ready to start over with no ties in dk at all.

The hospital is organising a group sponsored permanent residency. I am not sure what this will mean but sounds very positive, will find out more tomorrow.

I wonder if I will ever be happy. Im not sure everything is totally right right now. Living with Luke feels like having a flatmate right now. We only have a small bed, and he is restless, so hes sleeping in another bedroom. Reminds a bit of my ex husband shortly before we divorced. But hes doing it for me so I can get sleep for my shifts on early starts. Still feels weird though.

Home-work

Moved into a house at the weekend. I now (at least for the next 6 months) live in a townhouse in a gated complex in Australia, with a pool and a gym! Its quite nice really.

Started work today. Wow. Kids screaming, fecal smearing... prefer a 9-5 desk job web designing but at least this pays the bills and I get to change and save lives... This week is gonna be hard while I get used to working again (its been a year!) and get used to nursing again (its been 5 years!)

So looks like I am settled in australia. Its not what I wanted but its where Im at now, so just get along with it. Its not a bad place to be, and Lukes not a bad person to be with. Hope one day I can give him my heart.

Talking of that, heard Thomas is having a baby with his gf which is a bit weird, but am happy for him. Its weird to think if i had settled down a bit it could have been me, but at the rate I am going I will never have kids.

This week is gonna be hard.

Valentines

Its been almost a year since I updated my main photo, so here is a pic from Sydney last week.. I look older :(

Valentines day.. well, less said there the better.

SO I start work week on monday.. I am terrified.. its been a long time since I worked.. let alone with tearaway kids..! Lots to organise now I have THE VISA.. medicare, drivers license... shipping my shit over...

Had an offer on my apartment too.. a very low offer.. 160,000dk under the asking price... but such is the climate atm!

Spendin this week running around doing paperworkas Monday 23rd 8am I start...WORKING!!!!

VISA

I got notification of my Visa approval today! So now I am granted leave to work in AU for 4 years! I have to finalise paperwork but should start work next week! Im a bit scared, its been a while since i worked, let alone as a Nurse!!!

Lukes crazy ex girlfriend has started to write to me on facebook. I am a little worried as she seems quite crazy, and Im not sure why she has started to write to me. Its all crazy stuff.. this is the last email:

You do realise the password to your "boyfriends" email is luvcandy15 try it yourself if you dont believe me.
Have fun : ) and tell luke i said our chat last week was really sweet.
Ta ta!

I have never met this girl, so can only assume she is completely insane. Still am used to working with insane people so just ignoring it and have now blocked emails from her.

Just need to find a house now and settle down-finally!

Spent the last 5 days in Sydney with Luke. It was great. Love all the asian markets and Darling harbour.. also went to star city casino and had a go on the pokies... would be a great place to get hair rebonded, if I ever go back. Wish there were more asian hairdressers in WA. We had a reat time, and I think it brought us closer together, as we both seemed to want to do the same things and have the same amount of energy.

Photos to follow...

I (H)ate Gluten

Gluten is evil. Since Lukes birthday I have had muscle aches, mouth and throat ulcers, pimples, leg and feet cramps and exhaustion. Gluten is NOT worth it, however tempting.

Australia day was interesting. Now I know why all the Aussies in London get sad and go crazy on Australia Day. Weather was beautiful, and it was Lukes mums birthday, and she hired a beach house in Halls Head, about an hour south from Perth. Fantastic, went out on their boat a lot.

Thursday we head to Sydney to sightsee and to see TopGear... very exciting! Lookin forward to seeing more of AUS, just hoping I get more energy! PMSing to hell and Glutened too.. Still Im craving steaks , duck and spinach... a strange mix, but hpefully it helps get me better.

Also Luke gave me a spa day voucher for christmas so tomorrow I get to go to the spa and also get my haircut... its so long now- hasnt been cut for months. Need to start smartnening myself up ready to start work..visa application is in so it could be any day now...!

B12

So tired and feeling poo , reckon its cos I ate wheat on Lukes birthday (accidently) Just injected b12 so hoping that will help with energy.. lets see.

Hd a chat with Christian last night, I do miss him, but its getting less and less. Also been talking to Luke and maybe we can work things out, he seems to want to go all the way with me, and backs that up by being there and supporting me so lets see.

Its hard to give myself b12.. the injection is in the butt and its hard to turn round and do that to yourself! But I think it makes a huge difference, I think I have self diagnosed my problem:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pernicious_anemia

Not depression, makes pms worse, and affects mood. all made better by b12. Jackpot.

No joy toy boy

Im not 20. Im almost 33. Im not a supermodel, just a small women, ready to have babies. So why is a 23 year dating me when his model ex girlfriend is still talkin to him. Good question. I cant be bothered to compete anymore, either I will be alone or someone will marry me because they are proud of the woman I am. After Christian who broke my heart I just cant go on fighting for men anymore.

Luke is lovely but I really dont have the stamina to keep up with going out a lot as you do at that age. His friends all talk about school still and I really just dont fit in.

I miss dating someone who is at the same stage of life as me, who wants kids soon, and who understands my aches and pains. I am old.

What I need now is not a boyfriend but a husband and Im not sure Luke is quite up to that.

Cars and scars

Been busy organising Lukes birthday and stuff like that. But bought a new car today.. well second hand.. that will help me get some of my independance back and gets me a step closer to work. Aunty Joan is still in hospital but sounds like shes doing ok. Had my visa medical and now waiting for all the paperwork so I can put in my visa application. Still havent had a call from my parents, and I refuse to call them. Had a dream a few nights ago that my mum died.. which scared me a bit though...

Im still very very insecure, and not sure why, maybe I need the help of a psychologist or to settle down and have a normal life.. I dont know.

The b12 injection helped so much btw, think I will do that every month, made a huge difference to me.

My startdate was jan 9 but now Lukes mum booked his birthday present for that date Ive had to ask them to change it to the following week.. just hope they can! Still we are going to Sydney so thats exciting!

All ready start work so hope the paperwork gets done quick!

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Pmsing again. boobs hurt, mood sucks am exhausted. Thinking about injecting b12 into my butt...

New years is a horrible time.. too much contemplation and thinking of all the things you could have / should have done.

I dont like the person I am right now. Im slipping backwards. gotta start work soon, maybe that will help with my confidence levels...

2009

Apologies for lack of posts! Christmas and New Years always gets me down. Its always bad and this year was no exception with the hospitalisation of my aunty joan, the one family member I care about and who talks to me over christmas. (no calls from parents of course). She came down with pneumonia just before christmas and spent christmas and new years in hospital. I managed to call her and she seems to be doing a bit better but we thought we were gonna lose her for a while.. she is 80 years old...

Christmas was spent with Lukes families, christmas eve and christmas mornin with Lukes mum .. shed included me in the santa sack rituals, and this is the first time in many years I have actually recieved christmas presents! Christmas day was spent with Lukes Dads family, where we ate salad and bathed in sunshine.. very strange for me!

New years was spent at a friend of Lukes home, and was a quiet (if drunken) occasion. I didnt want to go out at all but had to for Lukes sake.

I do feel like I piss on Lukes bonfire a lot, being that bit older than him and a bit strange, I dont like to go party and play drinking games too much these days.

Close to getting Visa now. have to arrange a medical and get my WA nursing licence and then I am all set!

Picture is from New years eve.